Deadpool (2016)

Big Chrome Cock-Gobbler Scene 18

The following quotes are the direct screenplay transcript of Scene 18, "Big Chrome Cock-Gobbler", from the film Deadpool.

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CHARACTERS IN SCENE 18

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SCENE TRANSCRIPT
  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Okay. Let's pro-con this superhero thing. Ow. Pro: They pull down a gaggle of ass. Local dry cleaning discounts. Lucrative film deals, both origin stories and larger ensemble team movies. Con: They're all lame-ass teacher's pets.
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  • Colossus
    You know, I can hear you.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to them.
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  • Colossus
    Stay right here. You've been warned before, Deadpool. You will both be coming with us.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Look, Colossus, I don't have time for the goody two-shoes bullshit right now! And you are?
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  • Negasonic
    Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Negasonic Teenage... What the shit? That's the coolest name ever! So, what, you're like, uh, his sidekick?
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  • Colossus
    No. Trainee.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Let me guess. X-Men left you behind on what? Shit detail?
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  • Negasonic
    What does that make you?
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Pretending you're not here, Negasonic Teenage Warhead. Can we trade names?
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  • Negasonic
    Can we go?
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Look! I'm a teenage girl. I'd rather be anywhere than here. I'm all about long sullen silences... followed by mean comments, followed by more silences. So what's it gonna be, huh? Long sullen silence... or mean comment? Go on.
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  • Negasonic
    You got me in a box here.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Aha!
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  • Colossus
    We can't allow this, Deadpool. Please, come quietly.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    You big chrome cock-gobbler!
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  • Colossus
    That's not nice.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    You're really gonna fuck this up for me? Trust me, that wheezing bag of dick-tips has it coming. He's pure evil. Besides... Nobody's getting hurt. That guy was already up there when I got here.
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  • Colossus
    Wade, you are better than this. Join us. Use your powers for good.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Heads up.
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  • Colossus
    Be a superhero.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Listen! The day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit-swizzler... who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland mansion... of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker... on that day... I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request. But until then, I'mma do what I came here to do. Either that or slap the bitch outta you!
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  • Colossus
    Wade...
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  • Negasonic
    Hey.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Zip it, Sinead!
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  • Negasonic
    Hey, douche-pool!
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    And I hope you're watching...
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  • Colossus
    Quite unfortunate.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    That does it! Oh! Canada! That's not good.
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  • Colossus
    Wade, please.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Cock shot! Oh, your poor wife.
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  • Colossus
    You really should stop.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    All the dinosaurs feared the T. rex. I promise this gets worse for you, big boy!
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  • Colossus
    This is embarrassing. Please, stay down.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    You ever hear of the one-legged man in the ass-kicking contest?
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  • Colossus
    Do you have off switch?
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Yeah, it's right next to the prostate. Or is that the on switch?
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  • Colossus
    Enough! Let us go talk to the Professor.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines are so confusing. "Dead or alive, you're coming with me!"
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  • Colossus
    You will recover, Wade. You always do.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    You ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert.
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  • Negasonic
    Oh, my God. Nasty.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Oh, there's the money shot, baby. Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. Rock, meet bottom. And when life ends up breathtakingly fucked... you can generally trace it back to one big, bad decision. The one that sent you down the road to Shitsburgh. This? Well, this was mine.
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