Deadpool (2016)

God I Miss Cocaine Scene 23

The following quotes are the direct screenplay transcript of Scene 23, "God I Miss Cocaine", from the film Deadpool.

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CHARACTERS IN SCENE 23

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SCENE TRANSCRIPT
  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Sorry about bleeding in all your garbage. Seltzer water and lemon for blood. Whoo! Some kinds of anger can't be managed... like the kind where your year-long plan ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered! That said, when it comes time to licking wounds, there's no place like home. Ah, and I share that home with someone you've met, the old blind lady from the laundromat, Al.
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  • Al
    God, I miss cocaine.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Her. Fourth-wall break inside a fourth-wall break. That's like 16 walls. She's like Robin to my Batman, except she's old, and black, and blind. And I think she's in love with me. Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too. Al? Morning, sleepyhead. Ugh! It smells like old lady pants in here.
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  • Al
    Yes, I'm old. I wear pants.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    But you're no lady. Oh! So comfy.
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  • Al
    Upside of being blind: I've never seen you in Crocs.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    You mean my big, rubber masturbating shoes?
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  • Al
    Yes, I know. Downside of being blind... I hear everything in this duplex.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Ahh. Sit on a stick.
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  • Al
    Bactin?
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Yeah. Bactin should do it. How's that Kullen coming along? IKEA doesn't assemble itself, you know.
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  • Al
    You're telling me. I don't mind the Kullen. It's an improvement on the Hurdal.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Please. Anything's an improvement over the Hurdal. I'd have taken an Hemnes or a Trysil over the Hurdal. Oh, no, I didn't get excited till I saw the Kullen.
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  • Al
    Screw, please.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Here? Now? Just kidding. I know it's been decades.
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  • Al
    You'd be surprised.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Pretty grossed out.
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  • Al
    Ta... Da. I wish I never heard of Craigslist.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    And I quote, "Looking for roommate, blind to life's imperfections. Must be good with hands." Or would you rather I build the IKEA, and you pay rent?
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  • Al
    Why such a douche this morning?
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Let's recap. The cock thistle that turned me into this freak... slipped through my arms today... Arm. Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back... and prevent this shit from happening to someone else. So, yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo. #driveby.
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