Deadpool (2016)

Kitty Litter Scene 7

The following quotes are the direct screenplay transcript of Scene 7, "Kitty Litter", from the film Deadpool.

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CHARACTERS IN SCENE 7

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SCENE TRANSCRIPT
  • Jeremy
    Look, would it help if I slow it down for you?
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  • Apartment Owner
    I didn't order the pizza.
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  • Jeremy
    Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive? Are you Mr. Merchant?
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  • Apartment Owner
    Yeah, the Mr. Merchant who didn't order the fucking pie!
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  • Jeremy
    Then who placed the call?
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    I did! Pineapple and olive? Sweet and salty.
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  • Apartment Owner
    The fuck are you? The fuck you doing in my crib...
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Is it burnt crust?
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  • Jeremy
    I... God, I hope not.
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  • Apartment Owner
    Um... Whoa... Man, look, if this is about that poker game. I told Howie, I told him that... Okay, uh, look, just take whatever you want.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Thanks.
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  • Jeremy
    Sir, before you do anything to him, do you mind if I get a big tip?
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Uh, Jeremy, is it?
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  • Jeremy
    Umm-hmm.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Wade. Wade Wilson. That is a no go on the tiperoo, Jer. I'm not here for him. I'm here for you.
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  • Apartment Owner
    Oh. Okay, wow, dodged a big-time bullet on that one.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Not out of the woods yet. You need to seriously ease up on the bedazzling. They're jeans, not a chandelier. P.S. I'm keeping your wallet. You did kinda give it to me.
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  • Apartment Owner
    Okay, just look, man, can I have my Sam's card...
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    I will shoot your fucking cat!
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  • Apartment Owner
    I don't really know what that means. I don't have a cat.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in? Anyhoo, tell me something... what situation isn't improved by pizza? Do you happen to know a Meghan Orflosky? Getting that right? Orflosky? Orlovsky? Yeah? Good. Because she knows you. Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys who take a dime to beat a fella down. And little Meghan, she's not made of money, but lucky for her... I got a soft spot.
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  • Jeremy
    But I'm a...
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    A stalker. Threats hurt, Jer. Though not nearly as badly as serrated steel. So keep away from Meghan. Cool?
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  • Jeremy
    Yes, sir.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Then we're done.
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  • Jeremy
    Wait. We are?
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Yeah. We're totally done. You should've seen your face.
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  • Apartment Owner
    I didn't know what to do. I was so scared.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Soft spot, remember? You even look in her general direction again... and you will learn in the worst of ways that I have some hard spots too. That came out wrong. Or did it?
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