Deadpool (2016)

Patron Saint of the Pitiful Scene 9

The following quotes are the direct screenplay transcript of Scene 9, "Patron Saint of the Pitiful", from the film Deadpool.

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CHARACTERS IN SCENE 9

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SCENE TRANSCRIPT
  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Nope. Never will be.
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  • Unknown Man
    Oh. Fuck you, Wade.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    I'm just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck up worse guys. Welcome to Sister Margaret's. It's like a job fair for mercenaries. Think of us as really fucked up tooth fairies... except we knock out the teeth and take the cash. You'd best hope we never see your name on a gold card.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Buck! Liefeld...
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  • Buck
    Hey, Wade!
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  • Weasel
    Wade Wilson, patron saint of the pitiful. What can I do for you?
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    I'd love a Blow Job.
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  • Weasel
    Oh, God, me too.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    The drink, moose knuckle. But first... Hey, and I ain't taking any babysitting money, all right? Make sure that gets back to Ms...
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  • Weasel
    Orlovsky?
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Yeah, her.
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  • Weasel
    You sure?
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Hmm.
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  • Weasel
    You know, for a merc, you're pretty warm-blooded. I bet you let the kid off easy, too.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Oh, he's not a bad kid, Weas. Just a little light stalking. I was way worse than him when I was his age. I was traveling to exotic places... Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville, meeting new and exciting people. And then, uh...
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  • Weasel
    Killing them. Yeah, I've seen your Instagram. So what was Special Forces doing in Jacksonville, anyway?
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    That's classified. They have a wonderful TGI Fridays.
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  • Weasel
    All right, Kahlua, Baileys and... whipped cream. I give you a Blow Job. Why do you make me make that?
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Kelly, Kelly, Kelly... Take that over to Buck please, and tell him it's from Boothe. Little foreplay.
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  • Weasel
    Remind me what good will come of this?
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    I don't take the shits. I just disturb them.
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  • Buck
    Boothe!
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  • Some Guys
    Easy, man. Hold up! Hold up!
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  • Boothe
    What you want?
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Cheers. To your health.
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  • Weasel
    Fuck you.
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  • Boothe
    Come here, you fat fuck!
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  • Weasel
    That's a new stool.
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  • Buck
    Stay the fuck down.
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  • Some Guy
    Whoa! Took his ass out!
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  • Weasel
    All right, move. Move, move, move. Buck, go rest.
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  • Another Guy
    Boothe got hit then went down.
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  • Weasel
    Yeah, he's still breathing. Nobody wins today. Nice try, Wade.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    You got me. I picked Boothe in the dead pool. Who did you pick?
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  • Weasel
    Yeah, Wade, about that, um...
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    No. You did not bet on me to die. You bet on me to die. Wow! Motherfucker, you're the world's worst friend. Well, joke's on you. I'm living to 102. And then dying. Like the city of Detroit.
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  • Weasel
    I'm sorry. I just... I wanted to win money. I never win anything.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Whatever. Soldiers of fortune, drinks on me!
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  • Weasel
    Domestic, nothing imported.
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  • Vanessa
    Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Baby, are you sure you wanna shoot your whole wad?
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Uh... Tight.
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  • Vanessa
    Vanessa.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Wade. What's a nice place like you doing in a girl like this?
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  • Buck
    I'd hit that.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Buck, you best apologize before... Yeah, that.
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  • Vanessa
    Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf.
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  • Buck
    I'm sorry.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Breathe through the nose.
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  • Buck
    I don't have a filter between my brain and my...
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Let go. Okay. Hey, oh, oh, oh... Hakuna his tatas. He's sorry.
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  • Vanessa
    I'm working on it.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Get out of here. Go. Go cast a spell.
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  • Vanessa
    Hey. Hands off the merchandise.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Merchandise? Huh... So you, uh... bump fuzzies for money?
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  • Vanessa
    Yep.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Rough childhood?
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  • Vanessa
    Rougher than yours. Daddy left before I was born.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Daddy left before I was conceived.
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  • Vanessa
    Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin?
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Where else do you put one out?
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  • Vanessa
    I was molested.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Me too. Uncle.
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  • Vanessa
    Uncles. They took turns.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet... which also happens to be my...
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  • Vanessa
    Your bedroom. Lucky. I slept in a dishwasher box.
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    You had a dishwasher. I didn't even know sleep. It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn.
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  • Vanessa
    Who would do such a thing?
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  • Deadpool (Wade)
    Hopefully you, later tonight? Hey, what can I get for, uh, $275 and a... a Yogurtland rewards card?
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  • Vanessa
    Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want. And a low-fat dessert.
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  • Weasel
    Did she just put a gift card in your mouth?
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