Zoolander (2001)

Evil Plotting Designers Scene 1

The following quotes are the direct screenplay transcript of Scene 1, "Evil Plotting Designers", from the film Zoolander.

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CHARACTERS IN SCENE 1

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SCENE TRANSCRIPT
  • Reporter
    And here in Malaysia, there is an almost overwhelming sense of euphoria, as the newly-elected prime minister has given this impoverished nation the gift of hope, promising to raise the substandard minimum wage and end child labor once and for all. Already considered a living saint, he has become this small country's greatest hope, for a thriving future in the new millennium.
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  • Giorgio
    Get closer, Jaco. This is disgusting. How could you let this happen?
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  • Jacobim Mugatu
    I have negotiated my butt off, Giorgio. I've tried bribes, I've tried gifts. I even sent him some pet oxen. I mean, they love that crap in Malaysia, but he won't budge.
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  • Unknown Woman
    Listen, 50% of my inventory is manufactured in sweatshops on the Malaysian border. Something has got to be done.
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  • Unknown Man
    If Malaysia goes, what is next? My entire panty line is made in Vietnam.
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  • Giorgio
    We'll all go bankrupt within a year. The Malaysian must be eliminated, Mugatu.
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  • Jacobim Mugatu
    What? No, I don't have time for this.
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  • Unknown Woman
    Perhaps you'd rather go back to turning out novelty neckties in Hackensack.
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  • Jacobim Mugatu
    But my new fall line is almost due.
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  • Unknown Man
    And I trust you would like to live to see your spring line, as well?
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  • Giorgio
    The Malaysian prime minister visits New York in 14 days. Do it then.
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  • Jacobim Mugatu
    Fourteen days? That's Fashion Week. It's impossible! I have a show!
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  • Unknown Man
    It's perfect. Invite him to be your guest of honor.
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  • Jacobim Mugatu
    That's not enough time. It takes months to train an operative.
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  • Unknown Man
    What about Fabio?
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  • Unknown Woman
    Too smart. This is a rush job. He's got to be extremely dim-witted.
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  • Giorgio
    You know the profile, Jacobim.
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  • Unknown Woman
    A beautiful, self-absorbed, simpleton who can be manipulated and molded like Jell-O.
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  • Unknown Man
    Or cookie dough.
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  • Giorgio
    Or Play-Doh.
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  • Unknown Woman
    Any kind of dough.
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  • Unknown Man
    The point is, we need an empty vessel, a shallow, dumb, vacuous moron.
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  • Giorgio
    And when he's finished, we'll dispose of him.
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  • Giorgio
    But who?
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  • Jacobim Mugatu
    I mean, where in all of God's green goodness, am I gonna find someone that beef-headed?
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