Zoolander (2001)

Merman, Not Mermaid Scene 12

The following quotes are the direct screenplay transcript of Scene 12, "Merman, Not Mermaid", from the film Zoolander.

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CHARACTERS IN SCENE 12

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SCENE TRANSCRIPT
  • Announcer
    Pacheco back to pass. He's feeling pressure from Pressman. He's looking for his All-American John DeRosa, the wide receiver. He's got him wide open in the middle of the field. Big rush.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Who's winning the match?
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  • Pop
    State.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    I think I'm getting the black lung, Pop. It's not very well ventilated down there.
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  • Pop
    For Christ's sake, Derek, you've been down there one day. Talk to me in 30 years.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.
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  • Pop
    Why'd you have to come back to this damn town?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    I wanted to make a new life for myself. I'm sorry I was born with this perfect bone structure. That my hair looks better done up with gel and mousse than hidden under a stupid hat with a light on it! All I ever wanted to do was make you proud of me, Pop.
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  • Pop
    With what? Your male modeling? Prancing around in your underwear with your wiener hanging out for everyone to see? You're dead to me, boy. You're more dead to me than your dead mother. I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Merman. Merman! Who am I?
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  • Maury Ballstein
    Hello? Derek, you hearing me?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    God?
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  • Maury Ballstein
    God? What the shit are you talking about? It's me. Maury. I hope you're finished touching your roots, because Mugatu's making you an offer you won't believe. You gotta get your tuches back here.
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