Zoolander (2001)

Obey My Dog Scene 18

The following quotes are the direct screenplay transcript of Scene 18, "Obey My Dog", from the film Zoolander.

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CHARACTERS IN SCENE 18

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SCENE TRANSCRIPT
  • Derek Zoolander
    What kind of spa is this?
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  • Katinka
    It's designed for deep, deep relaxation. Come, let's get you loosened up.
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  • Therapist
    Good boy. Good boy. Good boy.
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  • Matilda
    Oh! I'm sorry. Derek?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Matilda, what are you doing here?
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  • Matilda
    I was... Uh. Uhh. What are you doing here, Derek? I thought you quit the business.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Haven't you heard? I'm the new face of Mugatu's Derelicte campaign.
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  • Matilda
    What do you mean, Derek? You said Mugatu never hires you.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Well, I guess he changed his mind. It's only the biggest campaign in the world. Ever.
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  • Katinka
    What is this? Who are you? This is private property. Nils! I suggest you and your Kmart Jaclyn Smith Collection outfit, stay the hell away from Derek Zoolander. How do you feel, Derek?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Uh. Okay. When's the seaweed wrap?
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  • Katinka
    You shut up now. I want you to relax and breathe deeply. Breathe deeply.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    I like this song.
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  • Katinka
    Of course you do.
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  • Jacobim Mugatu
    Hello, Derek.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Hello.
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  • Jacobim Mugatu
    Welcome to your relaxation time. Let this wonderful '80s classic soothe you. Just a nice, warm, happy time. Happy, happy, happy. Nothing to worry about at all. Just relax. Hey there, Derek. My name is Lit' Keatus. I'm just a kid who wants you to know the real truth about child labor laws. Okay?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Okay.
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  • Jacobim Mugatu
    They're silly and outdated. In the good old days, kids as young as five could work as they pleased, from textile factories to iron smelts. Yippee! Hooray! But today, the age-old right of children to work is under attack. From the Philippines to Bangladesh, in China and India, and South America, too. But you can help these children, Derek, by killing the prime minister of Malaysia. He is bad.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    What?
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  • Jacobim Mugatu
    You learn martial arts. Prime minister of Malaysia bad! Martial arts good! Kill naughty man! Kill naughty man! Kill naughty man! Obey my dog! On the runway, you have one objective. Do not be distracted by the beautiful celebrities. Do as you've been trained to do and kill the Malaysian prime minister! Karate chop! Bad, man! Awful man! In your little blue suit and your spiky black hair. Kill! You're a super-hot ninja machine!
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