Zoolander (2001)

1200 Messages Scene 19

The following quotes are the direct screenplay transcript of Scene 19, "1200 Messages", from the film Zoolander.

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CHARACTERS IN SCENE 19

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SCENE TRANSCRIPT
  • Derek Zoolander
    Aggghhhhh! Ouch!
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  • Matilda
    Derek, are you in there?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Hold your horses!
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  • Matilda
    Derek, please open the door!
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  • Derek Zoolander
    What a cuckoo dream.
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  • Matilda
    Derek!
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  • Derek Zoolander
    What?
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  • Matilda
    Hey, are you okay? I've been trying to reach you for a week.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    A week? What, are you having a whack attack? I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum.
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  • Matilda
    That was last Friday.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Earth to Matilda. I was at a day spa. Day. D-A-I-Y-E. Okay? Look, I think I know what this is about, and I'm very complimented, but not interested.
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  • Matilda
    What?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    I can't sleep with you, okay? My head is killing me and...
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  • Matilda
    What are you talking about?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Okay, if you just want to fool around a little bit...
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  • Matilda
    Hey, I don't want to sleep with you! I've been trying to tell you you've been missing for a week. Would you look at the date. Mugatu's Derelicte show is tomorrow night.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    I don't care what the date says.
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  • Machine
    You have 1,200 messages.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    That is a bit above average.
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  • Matilda
    Derek, what happened in that spa?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    I don't know. People who need help. A little massage, some aromatherapy. I mean, look, lady, you can't just come barging into people's lofts, wanting sex, then changing your mind, then telling them that they've been in a day spa for a week.
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  • Matilda
    You have been in a day spa for a week.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    So what? Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you, and your "do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as a investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose, or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose, or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way"?
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  • Matilda
    Derek, I told you I was sorry about that article.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Enough! My head hurts! And if it indeed is what day you claim it is, I have a pre-runway party to attend, if you'll excuse me. By the way...
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  • Matilda
    What?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    With your complexion, you really shouldn't be wearing your hair pulled back that tight.
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  • Matilda
    What are you talking about?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    It pulls back the skin on your forehead, creating a tension which clogs the pores. That's why you have some light pattern dryness around your scalp. Do you mind? Cool.
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  • Katinka
    l do not like snoopy reporter with lack of fashion sense. Not one little bit.
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