Zoolander (2001)

Han Suckass Scene 23

The following quotes are the direct screenplay transcript of Scene 23, "Han Suckass", from the film Zoolander.

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CHARACTERS IN SCENE 23

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SCENE TRANSCRIPT
  • Derek Zoolander
    What's going on?
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  • Matilda
    I think Katinka wants to kill you.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Good. I deserve to die if I can't beat Han-suck-ass in a walk-off.
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  • Matilda
    Derek, that's not true. The guy had to miraculously pull his underwear out of his butt just to beat you.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    And all he had to do was turn left.
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  • Matilda
    What do you mean?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    I'm not an ambi-turner. It's a problem I had since I was a baby. I can't turn left.
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  • Matilda
    Derek, that's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who can't turn... I mean, there have got to be some people out there, just like you, who can't turn... Turn left. Hello.
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  • Unknown Man
    If you want answers, come to Saint Adonis Cemetery now.
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  • Matilda
    Wait! Wait! Wait! Who are you?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Who was that?
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  • Matilda
    I'm not sure. I have to get to Saint Adonis Cemetery. Listen, I'm gonna take you to my apartment, okay? You can stay there until I get back.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Can I come with? I don't want to be alone tonight.
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