Zoolander (2001)

The Greatest Hand Model Scene 24

The following quotes are the direct screenplay transcript of Scene 24, "The Greatest Hand Model", from the film Zoolander.

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CHARACTERS IN SCENE 24

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SCENE TRANSCRIPT
  • Matilda
    Pedro Scialfa. He died when he was 29.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Vin Correjo. "Derriere Extraordinaire." 92 minus 63. None of them ever made it past 30.
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  • Unknown Man
    I did.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Ah! Who are you?
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  • Unknown Man
    It's not important.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Are you a ghost?
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  • Matilda
    He called, Derek.
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  • Unknown Man
    Let's take a walk. You think Zoolander's in trouble? Think again. What you've stumbled upon goes way deeper than you could ever fathom. The fashion industry has been behind, every major political assassination over the last 200 years. And behind every hit, a card-carrying male model.
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  • Matilda
    Okay, that's impossible.
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  • Unknown Man
    Oh, yeah? Listen and learn, sweetness. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? But who do you think made the powdered wigs and colored leg stockings, worn by our country's early leaders?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Mugatu!
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  • Unknown Man
    Slaves, Derek. Without their free labor, prices on such items would have gone up tenfold. So the powers that be hired John Wilkes Booth, the original model/actor, to do Mr. Lincoln in. I'll go on. I'll go on. Dallas, Texas, 1963. Kennedy had just put a trade embargo on Cuba, ostensibly halting the shipment of Cuban-manufactured slacks. Incredibly popular item at the time.
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  • Matilda
    Lee Harvey Oswald was not a male model.
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  • Unknown Man
    You're God damn right he wasn't. But those two lookers who capped Kennedy from the grassy knoll sure as shit were.
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  • Matilda
    Well, what about you? How do you fit in to all this?
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  • Unknown Man
    Well, This nation was swept... I'll get it, ma'am. I can't get over...
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Wait a minute.
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  • Unknown Man
    No.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    I know that hand. It was in the fall 1973 Bulova watch catalogue. You're J. P. Prewitt. The world's greatest hand model.
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  • Prewitt
    Once upon a time. But things change. Thanks to this homemade hyperbaric chamber, my sweet baby never did. Let's keep moving. And that's when I found out I was in line to assassinate Jimmy Carter.
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  • Matilda
    So, how did you manage to escape?
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  • Prewitt
    Because I'm a hand model, mama. A finger jockey. We don't think the same way as the face and body boys do. We're a different breed.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    So why male models?
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  • Prewitt
    Think about it, Derek. Male models are genetically constructed to become assassins. They're in peak physical condition. They can gain entry to the most secure places in the world. And most important of all, models don't think for themselves. They do as they're told.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    That is not true.
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  • Prewitt
    Yes, it is, Derek.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Okay.
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  • Prewitt
    Yeah. Think about any photo shoot you've ever been on.
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  • Director
    You're a monkey, Derek! You're a monkey. Dance, monkey, in your little spangly shoes! Mash your cymbals, chimpy! Dance, Derek, dance!
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Good point.
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  • Matilda
    But if this has been going on for so long, Mugatu...
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  • Prewitt
    He's just a punk-ass errand boy, working for an international syndicate of fashion designers. You do a little background check on your Mr. Mugatu. You'll find that he sold his soul to the devil for a shot at the big time.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    But why male models?
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  • Prewitt
    Are you serious? I just... l just told you that a moment ago.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Right.
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  • Prewitt
    You're a killing machine, Derek. They've programmed you.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    But I won't do it. I won't kill anybody.
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  • Prewitt
    It's not up to you. At the proper moment, they'll trigger you, usually using some kind of auditory or visual Pavlovian response mechanism.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Audi-what-ey"?
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  • Prewitt
    And when it's over...
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  • Derek Zoolander
    What? There's an after party?
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  • Matilda
    Derek, get down!
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  • Prewitt
    You got to get to Maury Ballstein's computer. He recorded everything in case they ever turned on him.
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  • Matilda
    Derek, get a grip! Get a grip!
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  • Prewitt
    Good luck to you, Derek. I've always been a fan of Blue Steel. And I hear Magnum is gonna blow us all away.
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  • Matilda
    Come on!
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  • Prewitt
    Get out of here.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Hang in there, J. P.
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  • Prewitt
    Ahhh! You freakin' idiot!
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