Zoolander (2001)

The Threesome Scene 26

The following quotes are the direct screenplay transcript of Scene 26, "The Threesome", from the film Zoolander.

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CHARACTERS IN SCENE 26

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SCENE TRANSCRIPT
  • Hansel
    Were you looking for a rematch?
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  • Matilda
    Excuse me, Hansel. I don't think there's an easy way to put this, so I am just gonna lay it out. Derek has been brainwashed to kill the prime minister of Malaysia.
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  • Hansel
    And?
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  • Matilda
    And we need a place to hide until we figure this whole thing out. Derek said this would probably be the last place anyone would look for him.
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  • Hansel
    Yeah, you're cool to hide here. But first, me and him got to straighten some shit out.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Fine.
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  • Hansel
    Why you been acting so messed up towards me?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Why you been acting so messed up towards me?
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  • Hansel
    Well, you go first.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    I don't know. Maybe I felt a little threatened or something, 'cause your career is, kind of, just blossoming, and mine's, kind of, winding down or whatever.
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  • Hansel
    And I felt like, "This guy's really hurting me," and it hurt.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    And I felt like when you told me to Dere-lick my balls, that really hurt.
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  • Hansel
    Maybe I was scared, man. You're Derek Zoolander! Yeah, you're Derek Zoolander. You know what it's like to be another model and be in Derek Zoolander's shadow? You want to hear something crazy? Your work in the winter '95 International Male catalogue made me want to be a model. I freakin' worship you, man.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    I'm sorry l was whack.
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  • Hansel
    I was whack.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    I was whack.
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  • Hansel
    So welcome to chez Hansel. You're welcome to hide out here as long as you want.
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  • Matilda
    Well, there isn't much time. The show's tomorrow night. We have to figure out a plan by then.
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  • Hansel
    I'll round up the troops here. Hey, what's up, y'all? This is Derek and Matilda. Derek, you know Natani and Chloe.
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  • Natani & Chloe
    Hi!
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  • Hansel
    We got Buzzy Sullivan, big wave surfer from Maverick's.
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  • Buzzy
    Hey, bruh.
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  • Hansel
    This is this fantastic band, the Little Kings, I met when I was ice sailing in Finland. That's my Sherpa, Lapsang. Okay, so, hey, everybody! Listen up for a second. Derek and Matilda are in hiding 'cause some dudes brainwashed Derek, to off the prime minister of Micronesia.
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  • Matilda
    Malaysia.
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  • Hansel
    Right. So, they're gonna be hiding here for a little while. Let's show them a good time.
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  • Some Guy
    Right on!
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  • Hansel
    All right, come on, over here. Hey, Ennui, will you do me a favor? Will you get me some of that tea that me and Lapsang got, when we were free climbing the Mayan ruins?
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  • Matilda
    Whoo! This... This is really strong tea.
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  • Hansel
    No, it's just right. Trust me. What with all the intrigue you guys have been dealing with. You know, Matilda, I'm surprised you're so worried about "Der-rock." From that article that I read, it seems like you don't really care too much about guys in our line of work.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Why do you hate models, Matilda?
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  • Matilda
    Honestly?
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  • Hansel
    Yes.
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  • Matilda
    I think they're vain, stupid and incredibly self-centered.
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  • Hansel
    I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Sweet.
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  • Hansel
    No, no! Okay, but seriously, Matil. Is it all right if I call you Matil? What's the deal, yo-yo? 'Cause you're not telling us the whole story. There's something else, isn't there?
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  • Matilda
    You guys really want to know the truth?
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  • Hansel
    Yeah.
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  • Matilda
    Okay, then I'm gonna tell you the truth. When I was in seventh grade, I was the fat kid in my class.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Ew!
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  • Matilda
    All right, forget it.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    No.
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  • Hansel
    Dude, be cool tonight. Come on.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    I'm sorry. Please, go ahead. My mistake.
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  • Matilda
    I was the one that all the pretty girls used to make fun of. It was an awkward phase. Anyway, every day after school, I would come home and... You know, I'd flip through the pages of my mom's Vogue and Glamour. And I just... I'd look at these women, these perfect, beautiful, just unbelievable, skinny women. I just couldn't... Oh, I couldn't understand why I didn't look like them. I... I just didn't get it. So... So I became...
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  • Hansel
    What?
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  • Matilda
    Bulimic.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    You can read minds?
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  • Matilda
    It's when you throw up after every meal. See, you know what? This is exactly what you models do to people. You make them feel bad about themselves.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Matilda... Matilda, it's just... So what? I throw up after lots of meals.
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  • Hansel
    So do I. It's a great way to lose pounds before a show.
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  • Matilda
    Are you guys insane? Do you understand that it's a disease.
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  • Hansel
    Wow. How did that affect you with guys? Did they not want to get busy with you?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Good point.
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  • Matilda
    Okay. You know what? I'm not gonna sit here with both of you and discuss my sex life or... Or lack thereof.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    You mean, like, like you, like you...
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  • Hansel
    Haven't really...
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  • Derek Zoolander
    You haven't... Done it...
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  • Matilda
    Done it in a while, yeah.
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  • Hansel
    Okay, what's a while? Like, eight days?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    More?
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  • Matilda
    Try a couple years.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Oh, snap!
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  • Hansel
    How do you live? How do you live?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Seriously. Do you service yourself ten times a day?
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  • Matilda
    End of discussion!
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  • Hansel
    Easy. Okay, hold on. Easy, easy.
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  • Matilda
    I'm not comfortable talking, This is...
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  • Hansel
    This has been an emotional day for all of us. I think we should get naked.
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  • Matilda
    What?
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  • Hansel
    Don't ask questions. Just give in to the power of the tea.
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