Zoolander (2001)

You Call That Love Scene 27

The following quotes are the direct screenplay transcript of Scene 27, "You Call That Love", from the film Zoolander.

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CHARACTERS IN SCENE 27

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SCENE TRANSCRIPT
  • Hansel
    So I'm rappelling down Mount Vesuvius, when suddenly I slip and I start to fall. I mean, I'm about to die. Hot bread, Zeke. Just falling. I'll never forget the terror. When suddenly I remember, "Holy shit. Hansel, "haven't you been smoking peyote for six straight days? "And couldn't some of this, maybe, be in your mind?"
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  • Derek Zoolander
    And?
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  • Hansel
    It was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius.
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  • Olaf
    Cool story, Hansel.
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  • Hansel
    Thanks, Olaf. Dude, how dope was last night? I mean, the soil room. Dirt was flying. You couldn't see anything. It was like, who's that? Who's this?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    I think I'm falling for Matilda, Hansel.
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  • Hansel
    Dude, I wasn't gonna say anything, but it was crazy energy flying back and forth between you guys. It was like, look out!
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  • Derek Zoolander
    There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesman...
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  • Hansel
    Yeah.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    ...where I thought, "Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman."
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  • Hansel
    Really?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    What do you call that?
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  • Hansel
    l think you call that love, D-Bone.
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  • Matilda
    Hey!
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Hey!
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  • Matilda
    So what time is it?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Almost 5:00.
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  • Matilda
    What? Hey, guys, that show is in three hours. Derek is dead unless we get that evidence. Do you guys...
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  • Hansel
    Easy. How about a "Good afternoon, Derek and Hansel. Thanks for the freak fest last night"?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Hello?
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  • Katinka
    Hello?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Hi, Katinka. No, I just had a really late party night last night. Where am I?
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  • Matilda
    Derek, hang up the phone now!
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Look, I have to go!
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  • Matilda
    Hang up!
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  • Derek Zoolander
    But I'll see you at 7:00. Okay, bye.
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  • Matilda
    Derek, I thought I told you to turn off your phone.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Turn off my phone? Turn off my phone?
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  • Matilda
    Yeah.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Earth to Matilda. This phone is as much a part of me as...
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  • Matilda
    You know what? Can we just cut it out with all the "Earth to's", please?
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  • Hansel
    We're not actually saying this is the Earth calling you, Matilda.
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  • Matilda
    Yeah. No, I got that. I understand you don't literally mean...
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Uhh, No, I don't think you do. Listen. It's not like we think that we're actually in a control tower, trying to reach outer space aliens or something, okay?
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  • Hansel
    Hello.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Oh, snap!
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  • Hansel
    A joke.
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  • Matilda
    Okay, you know what? Instead of doing that, I'm gonna try to figure out a way into Maury's, before Derek assassinates a world leader.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Wait a minute. I might just have an idea. They'll be looking for us at Maury's, right? But they won't be looking for... Not us.
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  • Matilda
    Derek, what are you talking about?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Hansel, do you have a cosmetics case?
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  • Hansel
    Sure, I mean, just for touch-ups or whatever.
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  • Matilda
    What are you gonna do with that?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    That'll do. Early in my career, I used to do my own makeup styling and tailoring. If I can create a basic disguise for us, we may just be able to sneak into Maury's, undetected.
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  • Hansel
    You is talkin' loco and I like it.
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