Zoolander (2001)

Computer Monkeys Scene 28

The following quotes are the direct screenplay transcript of Scene 28, "Computer Monkeys", from the film Zoolander.

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CHARACTERS IN SCENE 28

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SCENE TRANSCRIPT
  • Announcer
    Welcome to Derelicte.
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  • Hansel
    Hansel calling Matil. Hansel calling Matil. We have entry. Repeat. We have entry.
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  • Matilda
    Okay, guys. I hear you. Now, once you get the info, l want you to e-mail it to my office and I'll download the files, we'll rendezvous and take the information to the police.
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  • Hansel
    We hear you loud and clear.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Listen, Matil. I've been thinking a lot about that bulimia thing. And I want you to know I understand where you're coming from. I feel really bad that good-looking people like us, made you throw up and feel bad about yourself. For serious.
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  • Matilda
    Thanks, Derek. Now, hurry up.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Okay.
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  • Archie
    Hey, I finally got the results on the name check you asked for on Jacobim Mugatu. Or should I say Jacob Moogberg.
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  • Matilda
    What?
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  • Archie
    He changed his name when he went into the fashion business. Apparently, the guy was the original guitar synth player, for that band Frankie Goes to Hollywood, but he got kicked out, before they hit it big with that song Relax. After the Frankie folks gave him the heave-ho, he held a series of odd jobs until, get this, he invented the piano-key necktie in 1985. The guy's been a fashion designer ever since.
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  • Hansel
    First obstacle. You ever use one of these?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    I don't think so.
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  • Jacobim Mugatu
    Watch out. Watch... Fix that hem, Jason. Please. I need... Katinka!
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  • Katinka
    He's not here yet, Jacobim.
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  • Jacobim Mugatu
    That little toad-face better show.
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  • Katinka
    He will show.
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  • Jacobim Mugatu
    Good, because I'm a hot little potato right now.
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  • Hansel
    There must be an "on" button somewhere.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Did you press that apple thing? Wait! Hansel! Let's not lose our cool. Then we're no better than the machine. It's almost 7:00. I got to go.
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  • Hansel
    No! Derek. Der, wait. If you go, they'll make you kill that Eurasian dude.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    I don't care, Hansel. I've never been late for a show in my life. I don't plan on starting now.
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  • Hansel
    Damn it, you're right.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Do me a favor. If anything happens to me, I want you to give this to Matilda.
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  • Hansel
    No.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Please, Hansel. Take it. Please. Take it.
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  • Hansel
    Man.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Take it.
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  • Hansel
    Let's just say I'll hold on to it till you get back. Go! Go!
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  • Reporter
    We're live at the Derelicte show, where controversial designer Jacobim Mugatu, has extended the olive branch to the Malaysian Prime Minister Hassan, making him the guest of honor at tonight's show. And starring in that show, veteran supermodel Derek Zoolander.
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  • Matilda
    Guys, what's happening? Did you find the files?
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  • Hansel
    Matilda, we've got problems. Derek's already left for the show.
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  • Matilda
    No. No, he can't. We don't even know what the trigger is.
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  • Hansel
    He just went running out of here. I couldn't stop him.
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  • Matilda
    I'll call him on his phone.
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  • Hansel
    He doesn't have it.
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  • Matilda
    What?
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  • Hansel
    Yeah, he doesn't have it.
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  • Matilda
    What are you talking about? He always has it.
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  • Hansel
    No, he gave it to me.
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  • Matilda
    Did you find the files?
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  • Hansel
    I don't even know what they... What do they look like?
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  • Matilda
    They're in the computer.
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  • Hansel
    They're in the computer?
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  • Matilda
    Yeah, they're definitely in there. I just don't know how he labeled them.
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  • Hansel
    I got it.
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  • Matilda
    You got to figure it out. We're running out of time, Hansel, you got to find them and meet me at the show.
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  • Hansel
    Roger. In the computer. It's so simple.
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