Zoolander (2001)

Popping and Locking Scene 30

The following quotes are the direct screenplay transcript of Scene 30, "Popping and Locking", from the film Zoolander.

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CHARACTERS IN SCENE 30

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SCENE TRANSCRIPT
  • Todd
    Let's go, people! Let's go! Vagrants and whores, you're wanted in Makeup! Runaways and street hustlers, you're next!
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  • Katinka
    You had us worried, Derek.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Everything's cool. I'm really super psyched for the show.
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  • Katinka
    Good. Just remember, relax.
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  • Todd
    Two minutes, Derek.
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  • Maury Ballstein
    Ah! There he is. I just want to wish you good luck.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Don't you mean "Good-bye"?
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  • Maury Ballstein
    What are you talking?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    I know it was you, Maury. I know it was you, and it breaks my heart.
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  • Maury Ballstein
    Derek, I don't know what you're talking. Derek, I'm... I'm sorry.
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  • Katinka
    Glad you could join us, Kmart. Lucky for you, there is no dress code.
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  • Jacobim Mugatu
    I am vile spew of the wretched masses. I am really, really dirty. I am Derelicte!
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  • Maury Ballstein
    You make me sick to my stomach, Jaco.
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  • Jacobim Mugatu
    It'll all be over soon. Derek Zoolander will be dead and you'll be fine. You always are.
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  • Todd
    Come on, Derek. You're on.
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  • Co-Model
    Break a leg, Derek.
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  • Matilda
    Derek... It's Relax!
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  • Katinka
    I hate you.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    I'm fine. I've done this a thousand times.
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  • Matilda
    The trigger! It's...
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  • Jacobim Mugatu
    Concentrate, Derelicte. Do not be distracted by the beautiful celebrities. Do what you've been trained to do and kill the Malaysian prime minister! Just do it already!
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  • Hansel
    D-Bone, I got your back!
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  • Jacobim Mugatu
    What? It's that damn Hansel! He's so hot right now!
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  • Hansel
    Popping and locking, fool!
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  • Jacobim Mugatu
    They're break-dance fighting.
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  • Reporter
    Derek Zoolander just tried to kill the prime minister of Malaysia.
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  • Hansel
    That's bullshit! Listen up, everyone. Mugatu's a dick! He tried to brainwash Derek to kill the Claymation dude.
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  • Jacobim Mugatu
    That's a lie! Zoolander snapped because he's over the hill! He knew his career was over and he couldn't face it.
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  • Hansel
    No way, compadre. We got 30 years of files right here in this computer! They're gonna bring you down !
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  • Matilda
    Oh, no.
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  • Hansel
    Down! Where did all the files go?
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  • Katinka
    I'm taking you out!
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  • Hansel
    Yo, taste my pain, bitch!
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Yes!
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  • Hansel
    Deal with that!
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  • Katinka
    You don't have the guts, Kmart!
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  • Matilda
    Wanna bet? And by the way, you were wrong about my outfit. It's the Cheryl Ladd Collection, and I got it at J.C. Penney. On sale.
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  • Maury Ballstein
    Jig's up, Mugatu. Everything they're saying is true. I've been in on it for 30 years.
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  • Jacobim Mugatu
    What are you doing, Ballstein?
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  • Maury Ballstein
    I'm done, Jaco. I got a prostate the size of a honeydew, and a head full of bad memories. It's time to set things straight.
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  • Jacobim Mugatu
    You have no evidence. Han-stupid destroyed everything.
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  • Maury Ballstein
    I got two words for you, sugar, Zip disc. The whole thing is in my den in Long Island. I can have that evidence here in 20 minutes.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Outta a boy, Maury.
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  • Maury Ballstein
    Hold on a second. I'm afraid of the radiation. Sheila, honey, it's me. Listen. I need you to bring that Zip disc in the den down to the fashion show. I don't care what the traffic is like. Take the God damn service road and get off before the bridge. So put it in one of those Tupperware containers and I'll heat it up in the microwave when I get home. For Christ's sake, it's a casserole, Sheila! It'll stay!
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  • Jacobim Mugatu
    Shut up! Enough already, Ballstein! Who cares about Derek Zoolander, anyway? The man has only one look, for Christ's sake! Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre? They're the same face! Doesn't anyone notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano-key necktie! I invented it! What have you done, Derek? Nothing! You've done nothing! Nothing! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I have you ruin this for me! Because if you can't get the job done, then I will! Die, you wage-hiking scum!
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  • Derek Zoolander
    One look? One look? I don't think so!
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  • Hansel
    There it is!
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  • Todd
    Magnum!
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  • Pop
    Holy moly.
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  • Maury Ballstein
    Yeah, baby! That's what I've been waiting for!
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  • Jacobim Mugatu
    Dear God. It's beautiful.
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  • Pop
    Yeah! That's my kid. That's my son.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Whoo! Yeah!
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  • Matilda
    Derek!
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  • Maury Ballstein
    l love that kid. Dumb as a stump, but I love him.
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  • Matilda
    Derek, you did it! That was amazing!
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  • Derek Zoolander
    I know. I turned left!
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  • Matilda
    Yeah, that too. But, Derek, you saved the prime minister of Malaysia!
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Oh! Right. Cool.
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  • Prime Minister
    Thank you, Derek Zoolander, for saving my life.
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