Zoolander (2001)

Derek's Retirement Scene 7

The following quotes are the direct screenplay transcript of Scene 7, "Derek's Retirement", from the film Zoolander.

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SCENE TRANSCRIPT
  • Derek Zoolander
    Rufus, Brint and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean like an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it, which is more meaningful, I think. If there's anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs, and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident. So today, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to take this opportunity, to announce my...
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  • Jacobim Mugatu
    Hansel. He's so hot right now. Hansel.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    I would like to take this... People! I'd like to announce my retirement from the male modeling profession.
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  • Maury Ballstein
    What?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really good-looking. And I plan on finding out what that is. Thank you.
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  • Matilda
    Mr. Mugatu! Mr. Mugatu! If I could just have a moment of your time, please, sir. Just one minute of your time, please, sir! Derek? Derek, hey!
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  • Derek Zoolander
    What do you want?
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  • Matilda
    Actually, I'm trying to talk to Mugatu, but he's tougher to get to than the president.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    I thought you were gonna tell me what a bad "eugoogolizer" I am.
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  • Matilda
    A what?
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  • Derek Zoolander
    A "eugoogolizer." One who speaks at funerals. Or did you think I'd be too stupid to know what a "eugoogoly" was? How could you have written those terrible things about me?
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  • Matilda
    Look, Derek, my editor put that headline on it, okay? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know it came off kind of harsh.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Yeah, well, fortunately for you, not too many people I know read your little Time magazine, or whatever it's called.
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  • Matilda
    Look, maybe you could do me a favor. All I'm trying to do is get some background information on Mugatu.
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Mugatu? If you knew anything, you'd know Mugatu's the one designer who's never hired me.
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  • Matilda
    Come on. There's gotta be...
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  • Derek Zoolander
    Sorry, lady. Not interested. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got an after funeral party to attend.
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