The Big Lebowski (1998)

The Story is Ludicrous Scene 16

The following quotes are the direct screenplay transcript of Scene 16, "The Story is Ludicrous", from the film The Big Lebowski.

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SCENE TRANSCRIPT
  • Maude Lebowski
    Elfranco. Ajuda me abajo. I'll be with you in a moment, Mr. Lebowski.
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  • Maude Lebowski
    Does the female form make you uncomfortable, Mr. Lebowski?
    4 people liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Uh, is that what this is a picture of?
    1 person liked this quote

  • Maude Lebowski
    In a sense, yes. My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal. Which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.
    6 people liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Oh yeah?
    2 people liked this quote

  • Maude Lebowski
    Yes, they don't like hearing it and find it difficult to say. Whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his dick or his rod or his Johnson.
    5 people liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Johnson?
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  • Maude Lebowski
    All right, Mr. Lebowski, let's get down to cases. My father told me he's agreed to let you have the rug, but it was a gift from me to my late mother, and so was not his to give. Now. Your face... As for this kidnapping--
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  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Huh?
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  • Maude Lebowski
    Yes, I know about it. And I know that you acted as courier. And let me tell you something: the whole thing stinks to high heaven.
    4 people liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Yeah, right, but, but let me explain something about that rug--
    2 people liked this quote

  • Maude Lebowski
    Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski?
    3 people liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Excuse me?
    2 people liked this quote

  • Maude Lebowski
    Sex. The physical act of love. Coitus. Do you like it?
    2 people liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    I was talking about my rug.
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  • Maude Lebowski
    You're not interested in sex?
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  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    You mean coitus?
    8 people liked this quote

  • Maude Lebowski
    I like it too. It's a male myth about feminists that we hate sex. It can be a natural, zesty enterprise. However there are some people--it is called satyriasis in men, nymphomania in women--who engage in it compulsively and without joy.
    6 people liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Oh, no.
    2 people liked this quote

  • Maude Lebowski
    Oh yes Mr. Lebowski, these unfortunate souls cannot love in the true sense of the word. Our mutual acquaintance Bunny is one of these.
    2 people liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Listen, Maude uh, I'm sorry if your stepmother is a nympho, but uh, I don't see what this has to do with uh--do you have any kahlua?
    3 people liked this quote

  • Maude Lebowski
    Take a look at this, sir.
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  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Hmm?
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  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Oh, I know that guy. He's a nihilist... Karl Hungus.
    1 person liked this quote

  • Bunny Lebowski
    Hi.
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  • Uli
    Hello. Mein dizbatcher says zere iss somezing wrong mit deine kable.
    9 people liked this quote

  • Bunny Lebowski
    Yeah, come on in, I'm not really sure exactly what's really wrong with the cable.
    3 people liked this quote

  • Uli
    Dat's vhy day zent me, I'm un exspert.
    2 people liked this quote

  • Bunny Lebowski
    The TV's in here.
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  • Maude Lebowski
    You recognize her, of course.
    2 people liked this quote

  • Uli
    Helga, bring mein toolz.
    3 people liked this quote

  • Bunny Lebowski
    Oh, that's my friend Shari. She just came over to use the shower.
    10 people liked this quote

  • Maude Lebowski
    The story is ludicrous.
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  • Uli
    Mein nommen ist Karl. Ich bin expert.
    5 people liked this quote

  • Sherry
    You must be here to fix the cable.
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  • Maude Lebowski
    Good lord. You can imagine where it goes from here.
    2 people liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    He fixes the cable?
    9 people liked this quote

  • Maude Lebowski
    Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey. Little matter to me that this woman chose to pursue a career in pornography, nor thatshe has been banging Jackie Treehorn, to use the parlance of our times. However. I am one of two trustees of the Lebowski Foundation ,the other being my father. The Foundation takes youngsters from Watts and--
    2 people liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Shit yeah, the achievers.
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  • Maude Lebowski
    Little Lebowski Urban Achievers, yes, and proud we are of all of them. I asked my father about his withdrawal of a million dollars from the Foundation account and he told me about this abduction, but I tell you it is preposterous. This compulsive fornicator is taking my father for the proverbial ride.
    2 people liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Yeah, but my-
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  • Maude Lebowski
    I'm getting to your rug. My father and I don't get along; he doesn't approve of my lifestyle and, needless to say, I don't approve of his. However, I hardly wish to make my father's embezzlement a police matter, so I'm proposing that you try to recover the money from the people you delivered it to.
    1 person liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Well-- I could do that--
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  • Maude Lebowski
    If you successfully do so, I will compensate you to the tune of 10% of the recovered sum.
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  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    A hundred.
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  • Maude Lebowski
    Thousand, yes, bones or clams or whatever you call them.
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  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Yeah ah, but, but what about my uh--
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  • Maude Lebowski
    --your rug, yes, well with that money you can buy any number of rugs that don't have sentimental value for me. And I am sorry about that crack on the jaw.
    3 people liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Oh that's that's fine. It doesn't even uh--
    1 person liked this quote

  • Maude Lebowski
    Here's the name and number of a doctor who will look at it for you. You will receive no bill. He's a good man, and thorough.
    3 people liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Tha, tha, That's thoughtful but--
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  • Maude Lebowski
    Please see him, Jeffrey. He's a
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  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Oh, uh...alright.
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