The Big Lebowski (1998)

I Need My Fucking Johnson Scene 22

The following quotes are the direct screenplay transcript of Scene 22, "I Need My Fucking Johnson", from the film The Big Lebowski.

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SCENE TRANSCRIPT
  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    My only hope is that the big Lebowski kills me before the Germans can cut my dick off.
    4 people liked this quote

  • Walter Sobchak
    Now that is just ridiculous, Dude. No one's going to cut your dick off.
    1 person liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Thank you Walter.
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  • Walter Sobchak
    Not if I have anything to say about it.
    1 person liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Thank you Walter. That makes me feel very secure.
    4 people liked this quote

  • Walter Sobchak
    Dude--
    2 people liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    That makes me feel warm inside.
    3 people liked this quote

  • Walter Sobchak
    Now Dude--
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  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    This whole fucking thing--I could be sitting here with just pee-stains on my rug.
    3 people liked this quote

  • Walter Sobchak
    Yeah.
    1 person liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    But no man, I gotta--you know.
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  • Walter Sobchak
    Fucking Germans. Nothing changes. Fucking Nazis.
    3 people liked this quote

  • Donny Kerabatsos
    They were Nazis, Dude?
    1 person liked this quote

  • Walter Sobchak
    Come on, Donny, they were threatening castration!
    2 people liked this quote

  • Donny Kerabatsos
    Uh-huh.
    1 person liked this quote

  • Walter Sobchak
    Are we gonna split hairs here?
    1 person liked this quote

  • Donny Kerabatsos
    No--
    2 people liked this quote

  • Walter Sobchak
    Am I wrong?
    1 person liked this quote

  • Donny Kerabatsos
    Well--
    1 person liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    look man...
    6 people liked this quote

  • Walter Sobchak
    Am I--
    2 people liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Man. They were nihilists, man.
    5 people liked this quote

  • Walter Sobchak
    Huh?
    5 people liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    They kept saying they believe in nothing.
    2 people liked this quote

  • Walter Sobchak
    Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean say what you want about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.
    2 people liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Yeah.
    2 people liked this quote

  • Walter Sobchak
    And let's also not forget -- let's not forget, Dude -- that keeping wildlife, uh, an amphibious rodent, for uh, you know, domestic, within the city -- that ain't legal either.
    2 people liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    What're you, a fucking park ranger now?
    4 people liked this quote

  • Walter Sobchak
    No, I'm just trying to uh--
    1 person liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Who gives a shit about the fucking marmot!
    4 people liked this quote

  • Walter Sobchak
    --We're sympathizing here, Dude--
    1 person liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Fuck sympathy! I don't need your fucking sympathy, man,I need my fucking Johnson!
    2 people liked this quote

  • Donny Kerabatsos
    What do you need that for, Dude?
    2 people liked this quote

  • Walter Sobchak
    You gotta buck up, man, you cannot drag this negative energy into the tournament.
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  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Fuck the tournament! Fuck you, Walter!
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  • Walter Sobchak
    Fuck the tournament?!
    2 people liked this quote

  • Walter Sobchak
    Okay Dude. I can see you don't want to be cheered up here. Come on Donny, let's go get us a lane.
    2 people liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Another Caucasian, Gary.
    2 people liked this quote

  • Gary
    Right, Dude.
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  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Friends like these, huh Gary.
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  • Gary
    That's right, Dude.
    2 people liked this quote

  • The Stranger
    Do ya got a good sarsaparilla?
    2 people liked this quote

  • Gary
    Sioux City Sarsaparilla.
    1 person liked this quote

  • The Stranger
    Yeah, that's a good one.
    1 person liked this quote

  • The Stranger
    How ya doin' there, Dude?
    1 person liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Not to good, man.
    2 people liked this quote

  • The Stranger
    One a those days, huh.
    1 person liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Yep.
    1 person liked this quote

  • The Stranger
    Well, a wiser fellah than myself once said ,sometimes you eat the bar en...
    1 person liked this quote

  • The Stranger
    ... and sometimes the bar, well, he eats you.
    3 people liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Hmm. That some kind of Eastern thing?
    5 people liked this quote

  • The Stranger
    Far from it.
    2 people liked this quote

  • The Stranger
    I like your style, Dude.
    3 people liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Well I dig your style too, man. Got a whole cowboy thing goin'.
    4 people liked this quote

  • The Stranger
    Thanks, there's just one thing, Dude.
    1 person liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    What's that?
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  • The Stranger
    D'ya have to use so many cuss words?
    3 people liked this quote

  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    What the fuck are you talking about?
    2 people liked this quote

  • The Stranger
    Okay Dude, have it your way. Take 'her easy, Dude.
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  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Yeah. Thanks man.
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  • Gary
    Call for ya Dude.
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  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Hello.
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  • Maude Lebowski
    Jeffrey, you have not gone to the doctor.
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  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Uh, oh yeah, no no, I haven't yet, Uh--
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  • Maude Lebowski
    I'd like to see you immediately.
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  • Jeffrey Lebowski
    Oh?
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