Wedding Crashers (2005)

You Shut Your Mouth Scene 1

The following quotes are the direct screenplay transcript of Scene 1, "You Shut Your Mouth", from the film Wedding Crashers.

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SCENE TRANSCRIPT
  • Mr. Kroeger
    I don't have custody of the kids I don't get custody.
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  • Mrs. Kroeger
    It is pathetic what I've had to go through
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  • Mr. Kroeger
    Right now, she doesn't know where the kids are.
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  • Mrs. Kroeger
    Do not talk about me as a mother
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  • Mr. Kroeger
    Are they home?
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  • Mrs. Kroeger
    I'm so sick to death of you talking about me as a mother.
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  • Mr. Kroeger
    They're probably at a firehouse somewhere
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  • Mrs. Kroeger
    Do not talk about that. I'm sick of you accusing me of not being a good mother.
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  • Mr. Kroeger
    Are they home?
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  • Mrs. Kroeger
    7 years I've been a good mother!
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  • Mr. Kroeger
    A perfect mother? I can't have custody.
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  • Mrs. Kroeger
    Just remember how you...
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  • Mr. Kroeger
    Right now. Where is Tim right now?
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  • Mrs. Kroeger
    Don't you talk about me being a mother. I hate you!
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  • Mr. Kroeger
    Hey, I got an idea. Why don't you just kiss my left nut?
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  • Ken
    I told you this was a bad idea.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    You know what, Ken? A bad idea would be to let your client walk out of here today and drag this thing out for another year, wasting more time and more money. The only good idea is to let me and John do our job and mediate this thing right here.
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  • John Beckwith
    You wanna hear the crazy thing? I know it doesn't feel like it, but we're making progress. We settled the deal with the cars. That takes us to frequent-flyer miles. We're flying.
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  • Mr. Kroeger
    Those are mine.
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  • Mrs. Kroeger
    I want them.
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  • John Beckwith
    You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna split them right down the middle. How'd that be, Mr. Kroeger?
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  • Mr. Kroeger
    It would be not good at all. I earned those miles.
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  • Mrs. Kroeger
    Yeah, you earned them flying to Denver to meet your whore.
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  • John Beckwith
    Oh, Lord.
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  • Mr. Kroeger
    Well, she's not afraid to express herself sexually. That's what she means.
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  • Mrs. Kroeger
    She is a stripper, for God's sake!
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  • Mr. Kroeger
    She is not.
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  • Mrs. Kroeger
    Her name is Chastity. She is white trash. Same as you. Hillbilly.
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  • Mr. Kroeger
    That's it, go comatose for me, baby.
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  • Mrs. Kroeger
    You shut your mouth when you're talking to me.
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  • John Beckwith
    Hold it. This is getting confusing. You didn't always hate each other. There had to be nice moments, during the courtship, maybe? Or the wedding?
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  • Jeremy Grey
    The wedding had to be fun. You have your families.
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  • John Beckwith
    Your decorations. Families coming together. That's a nice moment. What'd you have to eat?
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  • Mrs. Kroeger
    Crab cakes.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Are you kidding me? How could you not have a good time? I love them. They're phenomenal.
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  • John Beckwith
    And did you have a band?
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  • Mrs. Kroeger
    Yeah.
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  • John Beckwith
    Good or bad?
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Who gives a shit? It's a great band, a bad band, it's like pizza, baby. It's good no matter what. There's music in the air!
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  • John Beckwith
    You get them playing "Shout" and you hate it.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Yeah! Woah-Oh-Woah-Oh! Shout now! Jump up and shout now! It's a good time, know what I mean? Rubbing up against each other, a couple of kids who like to fuck trying to make it honest. I get it. Guys, the real enemy here is the institution of marriage. It's not realistic, it's crazy. Don't do this for the other person. It's about saying yes to yourself and your future.
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  • John Beckwith
    Say yes.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Have some opportunities for yourself. I'm sure you'd love to be free... maybe go out and meet some Latin guy that can dance. Grind up on you, make you feel dangerous but also safe. And how about you? Don't you wanna get inside Chastity without wondering if anyone's gonna find out?
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  • Mr. Kroeger
    Wouldn't that be sweet?
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Wouldn't that be nice? And have some Latin guy sweating all over you talking to you in languages you don't understand needing you, wanting you, taking you?
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  • John Beckwith
    All we're trying to say is... put your swords away for a second. Let's finish this and let's move on.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Get out there and get some strange ass.
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  • Mr. Kroeger
    Could you give her a glass of water so she can take that?
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Hey, John, that's weird. That glass looks half full to me.
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  • John Beckwith
    Wow, now that you mention it, it is half full.
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  • Mrs. Kroeger
    He can have the miles.
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  • Mr. Kroeger
    No, sweetie, you take the miles.
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  • John Beckwith
    Great. Great! Let's sign the paperwork and we are done.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    This is just semantics. You guys wanna throw a couple miles at us... we'll take a couple. The big thing is that we're all moving on.
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  • Mr. Kroeger
    Could you two just not talk anymore?
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