Wedding Crashers (2005)

Holy Shirts and Pants Scene 18

The following quotes are the direct screenplay transcript of Scene 18, "Holy Shirts and Pants", from the film Wedding Crashers.

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SCENE TRANSCRIPT
  • Secretary Cleary
    Perfect.
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  • Old Guy
    Let us bow our heads in prayer. Heavenly Father... Heavenly Father... we thank you for thy bounty on this table... and ask that you bless the entire Cleary family... and all the friends here assembled. Amen.
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  • Everyone
    Amen.
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  • Secretary Cleary
    Oh, these scallops look fantastic.
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  • Sack Lodge
    I bought them from an organic scallop farm right off the coast of Nattachoke.
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  • Claire Cleary
    Actually, Sack got the governor to subsidize part of the project.
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  • Sack Lodge
    And now it's the state's only self-sustaining scallop farm.
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  • John Beckwith
    Say that five times fast. You can't do it. Self-sustaining...
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  • Jeremy Grey
    They actually look terrific. Maybe I'll actually try some... when I get the sensation back in my face. From the football game.
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  • Sack Lodge
    Again, Jeremy, I'm sorry. You know, I have this damn competitive streak, um. I'm seeing a Buddhist about it.
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  • Secretary Cleary
    Not just any Buddhist. His Holiness, the Dalai Lama. He's a good friend.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Stop traffic. Because when I go back to town... I'm actually gonna see an orthopedist about what you did to my back. Not just any orthopedist. I'm gonna see a Dr. Epstein who specializes in...
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  • John Beckwith
    Hey, Sack, how long have you and Claire been seeing each other?
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  • Sack Lodge
    Claire and I? What's it been, sweetheart? A couple years?
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  • Claire Cleary
    Three and a half. Yeah, actually, we started dating while we were doing Habitat for Humanity.
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  • John Beckwith
    Sure.
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  • Sack Lodge
    Pretty soon we'll be getting married. Yep.
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  • Claire Cleary
    Well, not too soon, um... We still have a lot of things that we want to accomplish.
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  • Secretary Cleary
    Anyway, once Claire and Sack tie the knot... two of the great American families, the Clearys and the Lodges will finally unite.
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  • Sack Lodge
    Hear, hear.
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  • John Beckwith
    And then, of course, you can challenge the Klingons for interstellar domination, right?
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  • Secretary Cleary
    Jeremy. I saw you on the dance floor. You move pretty good.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Oh, thanks a lot. I really just got lucky. I was more in the zone than anything else. It was the booze dancing, heh, heh.
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  • Sack Lodge
    Sorry, guys, I forgot. How are you connected to the family again?
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  • John Beckwith
    Uncle Ned's kids.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    You know, Uncle Ned? Aunt Liz's brother. Ned and Liz.
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  • Sack Lodge
    Hm. No, I don't know.
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  • Secretary Cleary
    So, Jeremy... you and your brother are venture capitalists.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    That's right.
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  • Secretary Cleary
    That's great. Venture capitalist. The backbone of the system. It's the new pioneer.
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  • Old Guy
    New pioneer.
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  • Claire Cleary
    So is it just about the money?
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  • John Beckwith
    No, no, it's about... investing in companies that are ethically and morally defensible.
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  • Sack Lodge
    Oh Like what? Give me an example.
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  • John Beckwith
    Like what? Well, there's the company that we have where we're taking the fur or the wool from sheep and we turn it into thread for homeless people to sew. And then they make it into cloth, which they in turn sew then make little shirts and pants for other homeless people to sell. It's a pretty good deal.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    People helping people.
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  • John Beckwith
    Yeah.
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  • Claire Cleary
    That's very admirable.
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  • John Beckwith
    Thank you. Although don't make me out to be a saint just yet. We do turn a small profit. After all, someone has to pay for the lap dances for the big guy here.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    He's joking around. It feels so good when he jokes.
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  • Sack Lodge
    What's this company called?
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Holy sh...
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  • John Beckwith
    Shirts & Pants. Holy Shirts & Pants. It's a little corny and obvious but what do you get out of being subtle, right?
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  • Secretary Cleary
    Well, that's a hell of a good project. I'm gonna mention something to the commerce secretary.
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  • John Beckwith
    That would be terrific. That would be great, huh?
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Terrific, it was terrific.
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  • Grandma Mary Cleary
    Isn't my Willy doing a wonderful job there in Washington?
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  • Secretary Cleary
    Mommy.
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  • Grandma Mary Cleary
    You know, Willy's father, my husband... was the secretary of state for President Franklin Roosevelt.
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  • John Beckwith
    That must have been so thrilling. FDR. My gosh, FDR was a wonderful President.
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  • Grandma Mary Cleary
    He was a doll. The wife, though, Eleanor? Big dyke.
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  • Claire Cleary
    Oh, Lord.
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  • Grandma Mary Cleary
    Huge dyke. A real rug muncher. Looked like a big lesbian mule.
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  • Claire Cleary
    Grandma, you can't talk like that, okay? It's not right.
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  • Kathleen Cleary
    Somebody get me another Scotch for chrissakes.
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  • Sack Lodge
    I think I'm gonna go to bed.
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  • Claire Cleary
    Honey, are you okay?
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  • Sack Lodge
    Oh, yeah. You know, I'm just a little tired. Thanks.
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  • Claire Cleary
    Okay.
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  • Secretary Cleary
    You all right?
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  • Sack Lodge
    Oh, yeah. Yeah.
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  • John Beckwith
    What an athlete. A tremendous competitor.
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  • Claire Cleary
    I know.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Todd, I noticed that you haven't even touched your food yet.
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  • Todd Cleary
    I don't eat meat or fish.
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  • Grandma Mary Cleary
    He's a homo.
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  • Secretary Cleary
    Mommy, let's not go there again.
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  • Claire Cleary
    Actually um , Todd is an amazing painter. He's going to the Rhode Island School of Design.
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  • John Beckwith
    Oh, that's a great school. Congratulations, Todd. That's really impressive. RISD.
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  • Todd Cleary
    Yeah, Dad used to think I'd be a political liability... you know, in case he ever ran for president.
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  • Secretary Cleary
    Now, Todd. Actually, truth be told... polling shows a majority of the American people would ultimately empathize with our situation.
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  • Todd Cleary
    What is our situation, Dad?
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  • Grandma Mary Cleary
    You're a homo.
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  • Kathleen Cleary
    Oh, for God sakes, William, put Mommy to bed already.
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  • Secretary Cleary
    Okay. Mommy, we've had a long day.
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  • Grandma Mary Cleary
    I can do it myself, asshole.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Wow
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  • Todd Cleary
    I'll be in my room painting. Homo things.
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  • Kathleen Cleary
    You just go right ahead, Toddy.
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  • Woman
    Mmm. Wonderful scallops.
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  • Secretary Cleary
    Absolutely. Wonderful.
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  • Claire Cleary
    You know um, I think I'm gonna get some air.
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  • John Beckwith
    Oh, I'll get some air if you want some company.
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  • Claire Cleary
    Sure.
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  • John Beckwith
    Let me just change my shoes. Excuse me.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    All right. I'm gonna... Can't walk away from the delicious food that we got here.
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