Wedding Crashers (2005)

I'm a Cocksman Scene 7

The following quotes are the direct screenplay transcript of Scene 7, "I'm a Cocksman", from the film Wedding Crashers.

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CHARACTERS IN SCENE 7

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SCENE TRANSCRIPT
  • Jeremy Grey
    Wow
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  • Kathleen Cleary
    Mr. Senator.
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  • Senator
    Congratulations, Kathleen.
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  • Kathleen Cleary
    Thank you.
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  • Senator
    Bill, congratulations.
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  • Bill
    Thank you, senator.
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  • Some Guy
    Secretary, they just grow up so damn fast.
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  • Bill
    That's the truth, yeah.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Okay. Let's do our pregame.
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  • John Beckwith
    What do you got?
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Few articles on Secretary Cleary's economic policies. There's also a roster of key family members, a glossary, sailing terms.
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  • John Beckwith
    Sailing?
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Sailing's like sex to these people. They love it.
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  • John Beckwith
    Harvard, Kennedy School of Government. Mom's big with charities, blah, blah, blah. Three daughters, one son. I get it. Good work.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Good.
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  • John Beckwith
    Let me see that again, please.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Okay, what's our back-story?
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  • John Beckwith
    We're brothers from New Hampshire, we're venture capitalists.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    I'm sick of that. Let's be from Vermont, and let's have an emerging maple-syrup conglomerate.
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  • John Beckwith
    Wait, that's stupid. We don't know anything about maple syrup.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    I know everything there is to know about maple syrup. I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes. I love it on pizza. I put a little bit in my hair... when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?
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  • John Beckwith
    The first quarter of the big game and you wanna toss up a Hail Mary. I'd like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it's not Halloween. Grow up, Peter Pan. Count Chocula. Look, we've been to a million weddings. And guess what. We've rocked them all.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Great day.
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  • John Beckwith
    The Eagle has landed.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    The big show. Hey, hey. Fifth row back with the fancy hat. I like that.
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  • John Beckwith
    No, don't waste your time on girls with hats, they tend to be very proper.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Yeah? The proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.
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  • John Beckwith
    I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't think the priest heard you.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Look, John, I'm sorry I'm not sorry, okay? I'm not gonna apologize. I'm a cocksman.
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  • John Beckwith
    Tourette's.
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  • Frank
    Frank Myers.
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  • John Beckwith
    John Ryan. Say hello to my brother, Jeremy.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Hi.
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  • Frank
    How are you? So, um, how do you know the groom?
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  • John Beckwith
    We are Uncle Ned's kids.
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  • Frank
    Uncle Ned. Is he Liz's brother?
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  • John Beckwith
    Uncle Ned, the brother of Aunt Liz.
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  • Frank
    How is everybody?
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  • John Beckwith
    Well, Dad kind of putters around the house. Aunt Liz sends her best. She couldn't make it.
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  • Frank
    Yeah, I know. She's dead.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    From the grave. She sends her best from the grave. We've become extremely spiritual... ever since she passed.
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  • Frank
    I see.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    But thank you so much for your kindness, brother. Lord knows we need family now more than ever.
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  • Frank
    Well, you're welcome.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Thank you. How many times are you gonna do this shit? Rule number 32: You don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely positive that they have a pulse.
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  • John Beckwith
    Rule 16: Give me an up-to-date family tree. That was your mistake. You made me look like an idiot.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Rule number 76: No excuses, play like a champion. Hello, Red. Dibs.
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  • John Beckwith
    She's all yours. I ain't gonna fight you. I think we've got a crier.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    No shot.
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  • John Beckwith
    Twenty bucks.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Make it 40.
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  • John Beckwith
    Done.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Oh, are you kidding me?
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  • John Beckwith
    It's beautiful. It's moving. It's a wedding.
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  • Priest
    And now for our next reading, I'd like to ask the bride's sister Gloria up to the lectern.
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  • John Beckwith
    Twenty bucks, 1 Corinthians.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Double or nothing, Colossians 3: 12.
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  • Gloria Cleary
    And now a reading from Paul's First Letter to the Corinthians. "Love is patient, love is kind..."
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  • Priest
    As you all know, Craig and Christina are quite the sailing enthusiasts. In that light, they have elected to exchange vows which they themselves have written.
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  • Craig
    The ring. I, Craig... take you, Christina, to be my wife... my best friend and my first mate. Through sickness and health, clear skies and squalls.
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  • Claire Cleary
    I'm sorry, I have a tickle in my throat.
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  • Christina Cleary
    I, Christina, take you, Craig to be my best friend and my captain to be your anchor and your sail
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Well, this is a first.
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  • Christina Cleary
    ...your starboard and your port.
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  • Priest
    And now I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the first mate.
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