Wedding Crashers (2005)

Death You Are My Bitch Lover Scene 8

The following quotes are the direct screenplay transcript of Scene 8, "Death You Are My Bitch Lover", from the film Wedding Crashers.

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SCENE TRANSCRIPT
  • Jeremy Grey
    Sorry, just a sampler. Told you this would be classy, right?
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  • John Beckwith
    Yes, you did. Class, first class all the way. You were not lying.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Class, class, class. They've got some kind of seasoning on here. It must be sprinkled.
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  • John Beckwith
    Okay, go get us seats near, but not too near, the bridal party. I'm gonna go drop this box of fresh Wyoming air.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    If you see crab cakes, get some because I love them.
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  • John Beckwith
    Consider it done. Fondue set.
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  • Claire Cleary
    Excuse me?
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  • John Beckwith
    The present you're holding is a sterling-silver fondue set. John Ryan.
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  • Claire Cleary
    Claire Cleary. Uh, so how do you know that?
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  • John Beckwith
    Well, I'm a psychic.
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  • Claire Cleary
    You're psychic?
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  • John Beckwith
    I am.
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  • Claire Cleary
    Really?
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  • John Beckwith
    Yes.
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  • Claire Cleary
    What's that one?
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  • John Beckwith
    Knife set. German. Very nice.
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  • Claire Cleary
    Hm. And that?
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  • John Beckwith
    Cotton linens, Egyptian.
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  • Claire Cleary
    Ooh. What about that?
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  • John Beckwith
    Oh, I'll go all day. Place settings, candlesticks, crystal stemware... which they'll probably never use because it's crystal stemware.
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  • Claire Cleary
    Okay, how about that?
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  • John Beckwith
    This? Uh... Massage oils and a book on tantra, probably from the wacky aunt.
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  • Claire Cleary
    Let's check.
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  • John Beckwith
    Who's it from?
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  • Claire Cleary
    Aunt Millie.
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  • John Beckwith
    Yes!
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  • Claire Cleary
    Well, you have a gift.
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  • John Beckwith
    I know. Unfortunately my powers only apply to useless consumer products.
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  • Claire Cleary
    Well, if the police are missing a Belgian waffle maker, you could give them a hand.
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  • Kathleen Cleary
    Claire, we need you for pictures.
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  • Claire Cleary
    Oh, okay.
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  • Kathleen Cleary
    Who's your friend?
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  • Claire Cleary
    This is John Ryan.
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  • John Beckwith
    Hello.
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  • Claire Cleary
    Excuse us.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    I might just have one more of the samplers here. Good.
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  • John Beckwith
    What have we got?
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Come back with some more stuff. That's good, though. These bacon-wrapped scallops, phenomenal. Really hit the spot. Unbelievable.
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  • John Beckwith
    Oh, shit. Isn't that the girl you hooked up with at the Andersons' wedding?
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Oh, Jesus, I'm smoked.
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  • John Beckwith
    No, no, don't panic. We're gonna do number 10 from the playbook. Here she comes.
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  • Some Girl
    Shlomo? I thought you were renouncing all your possessions and moving to Nepal. Shlomo, don't you remember me?
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  • John Beckwith
    Oh, my God, you didn't hear. I'm so sorry. Shlomo had a scuba-diving accident. Yeah, he came up too fast and the oxygen deprivation... Poor guy. He doesn't remember anyone, even me, his own brother. I'm just some nice guy who helps him out.
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  • Some Girl
    You poor thing.
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  • John Beckwith
    He can't hear anything either. It's part of the accident. So are you here for the Clearys' wedding?
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  • Some Girl
    Oh, yes. Yes, but I have to leave. I've got a flight to Madrid.
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  • John Beckwith
    Oh, you have to leave?
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  • Some Girl
    Yes.
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  • John Beckwith
    Oh, okay.
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  • Some Girl
    I could hang out for a few minutes.
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  • John Beckwith
    Oh, actually that won't be necessary. Shlomo would like me to take him to the bathroom, then get him some crab cakes. So, yeah, no, that's not... Okay, okay. Okay, I'll take you to get crab cakes first, then I'll take you to the bathroom.
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  • Some Girl
    You know what? Here's my number. If there is anything I can do to help...
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  • John Beckwith
    Okay. Okay, have a safe flight. Don't worry about us. We're gonna be fine, we're gonna make it.
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  • Some Girl
    Okay.
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  • John Beckwith
    Doctor.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    She looked good. I might give her a shout.
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  • John Beckwith
    How are you gonna call her? She thinks you're deaf.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Everyone wants to be part of a miracle. I turned the corner, she's a part of it. People helping people. It's powerful stuff.
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  • John Beckwith
    God, you're a sick man. You also may be a genius. Okay, so, what angle are we gonna play here?
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  • Jeremy Grey
    I'm gonna go with the balloon-animal display for the kids... and then when she comes to check it out, guess who's a broken man. Haunted past.
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  • John Beckwith
    Haunted past. Excellent.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    How about you?
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  • John Beckwith
    I'll dance with the flower girl. Or be a charter member of Oprah's Book Club.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    It's all deadly.
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  • John Beckwith
    Yes.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    I'll see you in a little. Final touch. There it is. One happy elephant. All right. Who else wants something?
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  • Kid
    I want a bicycle.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    A bicycle? Well, a bicycle, that would take a lot of balloons and Uncle Jeremy's a little tired right now... so why don't we do something like, let's say, a giraffe?
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  • Kid
    I just want a bicycle!
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Why are you yelling at me?
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  • Kid
    Whatever. Make me a bicycle, clown.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    I'm gonna make you a bicycle. But I don't want to make you a bicycle.
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  • Kid
    Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it.
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  • John Beckwith
    You got it. There you go. Yeah, you got it.
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  • Kathleen Cleary
    Let's see how you do with somebody your own age.
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  • John Beckwith
    I think I'm up to the challenge. All right, will you save me a dance for later?
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  • Cute Kid
    Maybe.
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  • John Beckwith
    Ha, ha. Okay.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    Go on, take it, you hyena. Don't say thank you.
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  • Gloria Cleary
    Hi. You're good.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    That thing? I'm just warming up. Last week I did a... exact replica to scale of Wrigley Field. Honest to God. I don't have anywhere to put it.
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  • Gloria Cleary
    Okay, then I'll take a sports car.
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  • Jeremy Grey
    How about a dance?
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  • Gloria Cleary
    That's what I really wanted.
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  • John Beckwith
    So how long have you and the secretary been married?
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  • Kathleen Cleary
    Thirty years next April.
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  • John Beckwith
    Oh, that's beautiful.
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  • Kathleen Cleary
    Yeah, and we were faithful for two of them.
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  • John Beckwith
    Hm?
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  • Kathleen Cleary
    Enjoy the party.
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  • Unknown Guy
    Congratulations, Mr. Secretary.
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  • Secretary Cleary
    Thanks.
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  • John Beckwith
    Secretary Cleary, John Ryan.
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  • Secretary Cleary
    Hi, John.
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  • John Beckwith
    I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your position paper on economic expansion in Micronesia.
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  • Secretary Cleary
    You've read my position paper?
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  • John Beckwith
    I read it while I was sailing my boat to Bermuda.
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  • Secretary Cleary
    A sailor? Good man, take a seat.
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  • John Beckwith
    Oh, thanks.
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  • Secretary Cleary
    You didn't happen to catch my speech... on the Paraguayan debt and money supply issue, did you?
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  • John Beckwith
    Are you kidding me? I thought it was great. Your argument for the inverse ratio of capitalization to debt was genius. Now, if we can just get Congress not to be so shortsighted.
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  • Secretary Cleary
    Yes. Well put. "Shortsighted. " John, what do you say you and I head out to the deck and light up a couple of cigars?
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  • John Beckwith
    Stogies?
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  • Secretary Cleary
    Yeah.
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  • John Beckwith
    Why not?
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  • Jeremy Grey
    It's just that we lost a lot of really good men out there. I'm sorry. Gloria, I think I gotta go get some fresh air. Thank you so much for the dance and it was wonderful to meet you. I wish I were stronger.
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  • Gloria Cleary
    Jeremy! Jeremy, wait up!
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  • Secretary Cleary
    John, you seem like an astute man.
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  • John Beckwith
    Thank you.
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  • Secretary Cleary
    Maybe you can help explain something to me. See that young man out there on the dock?
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  • John Beckwith
    Sure.
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  • Secretary Cleary
    That's my son, Todd. Twenty-two years old, the whole world in front of him. Every advantage in life, advantages I never had. Well, that's not exactly true. He had the same advantages I had, which is a hell of a lot of advantages. So here's my question: What's he got to be so morose about?
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  • John Beckwith
    Maybe he hasn't found something to believe in.
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  • Secretary Cleary
    Oh, he says he believes in art. But all I've seen him do... is dribble his own blood on a canvas and smear it around with a stick.
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  • John Beckwith
    You know, some people call that art.
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  • Secretary Cleary
    It's crap. What about having a public service, an obligation to our fellow man?
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  • John Beckwith
    Well, maybe he's... Maybe he's just trying to find his own way, his own path. I mean, you cast a pretty big shadow.
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  • Secretary Cleary
    Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, perhaps... I should take it easier on him.
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  • John Beckwith
    Perhaps.
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  • Todd Cleary
    Death, you are my bitch lover!
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  • Secretary Cleary
    Todd, that's good! Tell that mean ocean! Oh, see that?
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  • John Beckwith
    It's a start.
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