Characters in This Scene
Deadpool (Wade)
Ryan Reynolds
Weasel
T. J. Miller
Vanessa
Morena Baccarin
Patron Saint of the Pitiful Full Transcript
Deadpool (Wade)
Nope. Never will be.
Unknown Man
Oh. Fuck you, Wade.
Deadpool (Wade)
I'm just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck up worse guys. Welcome to Sister Margaret's. It's like a job fair for mercenaries. Think of us as really fucked up tooth fairies... except we knock out the teeth and take the cash. You'd best hope we never see your name on a gold card.
Deadpool (Wade)
Buck! Liefeld...
Buck
Hey, Wade!
Weasel
Wade Wilson, patron saint of the pitiful. What can I do for you?
Deadpool (Wade)
I'd love a Blow Job.
Weasel
Oh, God, me too.
Deadpool (Wade)
The drink, moose knuckle. But first... Hey, and I ain't taking any babysitting money, all right? Make sure that gets back to Ms...
Weasel
Orlovsky?
Deadpool (Wade)
Yeah, her.
Weasel
You sure?
Deadpool (Wade)
Hmm.
Weasel
You know, for a merc, you're pretty warm-blooded. I bet you let the kid off easy, too.
Deadpool (Wade)
Oh, he's not a bad kid, Weas. Just a little light stalking. I was way worse than him when I was his age. I was traveling to exotic places... Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville, meeting new and exciting people. And then, uh...
Weasel
Killing them. Yeah, I've seen your Instagram. So what was Special Forces doing in Jacksonville, anyway?
Deadpool (Wade)
That's classified. They have a wonderful TGI Fridays.
Weasel
All right, Kahlua, Baileys and... whipped cream. I give you a Blow Job. Why do you make me make that?
Deadpool (Wade)
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly... Take that over to Buck please, and tell him it's from Boothe. Little foreplay.
Weasel
Remind me what good will come of this?
Deadpool (Wade)
I don't take the shits. I just disturb them.
Buck
Boothe!
Some Guys
Easy, man. Hold up! Hold up!
Boothe
What you want?
Deadpool (Wade)
Cheers. To your health.
Weasel
Fuck you.
Boothe
Come here, you fat fuck!
Weasel
That's a new stool.
Buck
Stay the fuck down.
Some Guy
Whoa! Took his ass out!
Weasel
All right, move. Move, move, move. Buck, go rest.
Another Guy
Boothe got hit then went down.
Weasel
Yeah, he's still breathing. Nobody wins today. Nice try, Wade.
Deadpool (Wade)
You got me. I picked Boothe in the dead pool. Who did you pick?
Weasel
Yeah, Wade, about that, um...
Deadpool (Wade)
No. You did not bet on me to die. You bet on me to die. Wow! Motherfucker, you're the world's worst friend. Well, joke's on you. I'm living to 102. And then dying. Like the city of Detroit.
Weasel
I'm sorry. I just... I wanted to win money. I never win anything.
Deadpool (Wade)
Whatever. Soldiers of fortune, drinks on me!
Weasel
Domestic, nothing imported.
Vanessa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Baby, are you sure you wanna shoot your whole wad?
Deadpool (Wade)
Uh... Tight.
Vanessa
Vanessa.
Deadpool (Wade)
Wade. What's a nice place like you doing in a girl like this?
Buck
I'd hit that.
Deadpool (Wade)
Buck, you best apologize before... Yeah, that.
Vanessa
Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf.
Buck
I'm sorry.
Deadpool (Wade)
Breathe through the nose.
Buck
I don't have a filter between my brain and my...
Deadpool (Wade)
Let go. Okay. Hey, oh, oh, oh... Hakuna his tatas. He's sorry.
Vanessa
I'm working on it.
Deadpool (Wade)
Get out of here. Go. Go cast a spell.
Vanessa
Hey. Hands off the merchandise.
Deadpool (Wade)
Merchandise? Huh... So you, uh... bump fuzzies for money?
Vanessa
Yep.
Deadpool (Wade)
Rough childhood?
Vanessa
Rougher than yours. Daddy left before I was born.
Deadpool (Wade)
Daddy left before I was conceived.
Vanessa
Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin?
Deadpool (Wade)
Where else do you put one out?
Vanessa
I was molested.
Deadpool (Wade)
Me too. Uncle.
Vanessa
Uncles. They took turns.
Deadpool (Wade)
I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet... which also happens to be my...
Vanessa
Your bedroom. Lucky. I slept in a dishwasher box.
Deadpool (Wade)
You had a dishwasher. I didn't even know sleep. It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn.
Vanessa
Who would do such a thing?
Deadpool (Wade)
Hopefully you, later tonight? Hey, what can I get for, uh, $275 and a... a Yogurtland rewards card?
Vanessa
Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want. And a low-fat dessert.
Weasel
Did she just put a gift card in your mouth?