Characters in This Scene
Derek Zoolander
Ben Stiller
Pop
Maury Ballstein
Jerry Stiller
Merman, Not Mermaid Full Transcript
Announcer
Pacheco back to pass. He's feeling pressure from Pressman. He's looking for his All-American John DeRosa, the wide receiver. He's got him wide open in the middle of the field. Big rush.
Derek Zoolander
Who's winning the match?
Pop
State.
Derek Zoolander
I think I'm getting the black lung, Pop. It's not very well ventilated down there.
Pop
For Christ's sake, Derek, you've been down there one day. Talk to me in 30 years.
Derek Zoolander
Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.
Pop
Why'd you have to come back to this damn town?
Derek Zoolander
I wanted to make a new life for myself. I'm sorry I was born with this perfect bone structure. That my hair looks better done up with gel and mousse than hidden under a stupid hat with a light on it! All I ever wanted to do was make you proud of me, Pop.
Pop
With what? Your male modeling? Prancing around in your underwear with your wiener hanging out for everyone to see? You're dead to me, boy. You're more dead to me than your dead mother. I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid.
Derek Zoolander
Merman. Merman! Who am I?
Maury Ballstein
Hello? Derek, you hearing me?
Derek Zoolander
God?
Maury Ballstein
God? What the shit are you talking about? It's me. Maury. I hope you're finished touching your roots, because Mugatu's making you an offer you won't believe. You gotta get your tuches back here.