Zoolander

The Threesome

Zoolander
About Zoolander
  • Released in 2001
  • Directed by Ben Stiller
  • Produced by Paramount Pictures
Characters in This Scene
Hansel
Owen Wilson
Matilda
Christine Taylor
Derek Zoolander
Ben Stiller
Natani & Chloe
Buzzy
Some Guy
The Threesome Full Transcript
Hansel
Were you looking for a rematch?
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Matilda
Excuse me, Hansel. I don't think there's an easy way to put this, so I am just gonna lay it out. Derek has been brainwashed to kill the prime minister of Malaysia.
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Hansel
And?
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Matilda
And we need a place to hide until we figure this whole thing out. Derek said this would probably be the last place anyone would look for him.
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Hansel
Yeah, you're cool to hide here. But first, me and him got to straighten some shit out.
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Derek Zoolander
Fine.
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Hansel
Why you been acting so messed up towards me?
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Derek Zoolander
Why you been acting so messed up towards me?
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Hansel
Well, you go first.
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Derek Zoolander
I don't know. Maybe I felt a little threatened or something, 'cause your career is, kind of, just blossoming, and mine's, kind of, winding down or whatever.
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Hansel
And I felt like, "This guy's really hurting me," and it hurt.
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Derek Zoolander
And I felt like when you told me to Dere-lick my balls, that really hurt.
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Hansel
Maybe I was scared, man. You're Derek Zoolander! Yeah, you're Derek Zoolander. You know what it's like to be another model and be in Derek Zoolander's shadow? You want to hear something crazy? Your work in the winter '95 International Male catalogue made me want to be a model. I freakin' worship you, man.
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Derek Zoolander
I'm sorry l was whack.
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Hansel
I was whack.
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Derek Zoolander
I was whack.
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Hansel
So welcome to chez Hansel. You're welcome to hide out here as long as you want.
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Matilda
Well, there isn't much time. The show's tomorrow night. We have to figure out a plan by then.
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Hansel
I'll round up the troops here. Hey, what's up, y'all? This is Derek and Matilda. Derek, you know Natani and Chloe.
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Natani & Chloe
Hi!
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Hansel
We got Buzzy Sullivan, big wave surfer from Maverick's.
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Buzzy
Hey, bruh.
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Hansel
This is this fantastic band, the Little Kings, I met when I was ice sailing in Finland. That's my Sherpa, Lapsang. Okay, so, hey, everybody! Listen up for a second. Derek and Matilda are in hiding 'cause some dudes brainwashed Derek, to off the prime minister of Micronesia.
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Matilda
Malaysia.
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Hansel
Right. So, they're gonna be hiding here for a little while. Let's show them a good time.
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Some Guy
Right on!
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Hansel
All right, come on, over here. Hey, Ennui, will you do me a favor? Will you get me some of that tea that me and Lapsang got, when we were free climbing the Mayan ruins?
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Matilda
Whoo! This... This is really strong tea.
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Hansel
No, it's just right. Trust me. What with all the intrigue you guys have been dealing with. You know, Matilda, I'm surprised you're so worried about "Der-rock." From that article that I read, it seems like you don't really care too much about guys in our line of work.
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Derek Zoolander
Why do you hate models, Matilda?
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Matilda
Honestly?
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Hansel
Yes.
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Matilda
I think they're vain, stupid and incredibly self-centered.
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Hansel
I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?
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Derek Zoolander
Sweet.
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Hansel
No, no! Okay, but seriously, Matil. Is it all right if I call you Matil? What's the deal, yo-yo? 'Cause you're not telling us the whole story. There's something else, isn't there?
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Matilda
You guys really want to know the truth?
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Hansel
Yeah.
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Matilda
Okay, then I'm gonna tell you the truth. When I was in seventh grade, I was the fat kid in my class.
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Derek Zoolander
Ew!
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Matilda
All right, forget it.
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Derek Zoolander
No.
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Hansel
Dude, be cool tonight. Come on.
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Derek Zoolander
I'm sorry. Please, go ahead. My mistake.
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Matilda
I was the one that all the pretty girls used to make fun of. It was an awkward phase. Anyway, every day after school, I would come home and... You know, I'd flip through the pages of my mom's Vogue and Glamour. And I just... I'd look at these women, these perfect, beautiful, just unbelievable, skinny women. I just couldn't... Oh, I couldn't understand why I didn't look like them. I... I just didn't get it. So... So I became...
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Hansel
What?
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Matilda
Bulimic.
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Derek Zoolander
You can read minds?
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Matilda
It's when you throw up after every meal. See, you know what? This is exactly what you models do to people. You make them feel bad about themselves.
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Derek Zoolander
Matilda... Matilda, it's just... So what? I throw up after lots of meals.
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Hansel
So do I. It's a great way to lose pounds before a show.
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Matilda
Are you guys insane? Do you understand that it's a disease.
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Hansel
Wow. How did that affect you with guys? Did they not want to get busy with you?
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Derek Zoolander
Good point.
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Matilda
Okay. You know what? I'm not gonna sit here with both of you and discuss my sex life or... Or lack thereof.
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Derek Zoolander
You mean, like, like you, like you...
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Hansel
Haven't really...
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Derek Zoolander
You haven't... Done it...
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Matilda
Done it in a while, yeah.
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Hansel
Okay, what's a while? Like, eight days?
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Derek Zoolander
More?
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Matilda
Try a couple years.
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Derek Zoolander
Oh, snap!
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Hansel
How do you live? How do you live?
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Derek Zoolander
Seriously. Do you service yourself ten times a day?
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Matilda
End of discussion!
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Hansel
Easy. Okay, hold on. Easy, easy.
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Matilda
I'm not comfortable talking, This is...
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Hansel
This has been an emotional day for all of us. I think we should get naked.
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Matilda
What?
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Hansel
Don't ask questions. Just give in to the power of the tea.
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