Characters in This Scene
Maude Lebowski
Julianne Moore
Jeffrey Lebowski
Jeff Bridges
Bunny Lebowski
Tara Reid
Uli
Peter Stormare
Sherry
Asia Carrera
The Story is Ludicrous Full Transcript
Maude Lebowski
Elfranco. Ajuda me abajo. I'll be with you in a moment, Mr. Lebowski.
Maude Lebowski
Does the female form make you uncomfortable, Mr. Lebowski?
Jeffrey Lebowski
Uh, is that what this is a picture of?
Maude Lebowski
In a sense, yes. My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal. Which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.
Jeffrey Lebowski
Oh yeah?
Maude Lebowski
Yes, they don't like hearing it and find it difficult to say. Whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his dick or his rod or his Johnson.
Jeffrey Lebowski
Johnson?
Maude Lebowski
All right, Mr. Lebowski, let's get down to cases. My father told me he's agreed to let you have the rug, but it was a gift from me to my late mother, and so was not his to give. Now. Your face... As for this kidnapping--
Jeffrey Lebowski
Huh?
Maude Lebowski
Yes, I know about it. And I know that you acted as courier. And let me tell you something: the whole thing stinks to high heaven.
Jeffrey Lebowski
Yeah, right, but, but let me explain something about that rug--
Maude Lebowski
Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski?
Jeffrey Lebowski
Excuse me?
Maude Lebowski
Sex. The physical act of love. Coitus. Do you like it?
Jeffrey Lebowski
I was talking about my rug.
Maude Lebowski
You're not interested in sex?
Jeffrey Lebowski
You mean coitus?
Maude Lebowski
I like it too. It's a male myth about feminists that we hate sex. It can be a natural, zesty enterprise. However there are some people--it is called satyriasis in men, nymphomania in women--who engage in it compulsively and without joy.
Jeffrey Lebowski
Oh, no.
Maude Lebowski
Oh yes Mr. Lebowski, these unfortunate souls cannot love in the true sense of the word. Our mutual acquaintance Bunny is one of these.
Jeffrey Lebowski
Listen, Maude uh, I'm sorry if your stepmother is a nympho, but uh, I don't see what this has to do with uh--do you have any kahlua?
Maude Lebowski
Take a look at this, sir.
Jeffrey Lebowski
Hmm?
Jeffrey Lebowski
Oh, I know that guy. He's a nihilist... Karl Hungus.
Bunny Lebowski
Hi.
Uli
Hello. Mein dizbatcher says zere iss somezing wrong mit deine kable.
Bunny Lebowski
Yeah, come on in, I'm not really sure exactly what's really wrong with the cable.
Uli
Dat's vhy day zent me, I'm un exspert.
Bunny Lebowski
The TV's in here.
Maude Lebowski
You recognize her, of course.
Uli
Helga, bring mein toolz.
Bunny Lebowski
Oh, that's my friend Shari. She just came over to use the shower.
Maude Lebowski
The story is ludicrous.
Uli
Mein nommen ist Karl. Ich bin expert.
Sherry
You must be here to fix the cable.
Maude Lebowski
Good lord. You can imagine where it goes from here.
Jeffrey Lebowski
He fixes the cable?
Maude Lebowski
Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey. Little matter to me that this woman chose to pursue a career in pornography, nor thatshe has been banging Jackie Treehorn, to use the parlance of our times. However. I am one of two trustees of the Lebowski Foundation ,the other being my father. The Foundation takes youngsters from Watts and--
Jeffrey Lebowski
Shit yeah, the achievers.
Maude Lebowski
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers, yes, and proud we are of all of them. I asked my father about his withdrawal of a million dollars from the Foundation account and he told me about this abduction, but I tell you it is preposterous. This compulsive fornicator is taking my father for the proverbial ride.
Jeffrey Lebowski
Yeah, but my-
Maude Lebowski
I'm getting to your rug. My father and I don't get along; he doesn't approve of my lifestyle and, needless to say, I don't approve of his. However, I hardly wish to make my father's embezzlement a police matter, so I'm proposing that you try to recover the money from the people you delivered it to.
Jeffrey Lebowski
Well-- I could do that--
Maude Lebowski
If you successfully do so, I will compensate you to the tune of 10% of the recovered sum.
Jeffrey Lebowski
A hundred.
Maude Lebowski
Thousand, yes, bones or clams or whatever you call them.
Jeffrey Lebowski
Yeah ah, but, but what about my uh--
Maude Lebowski
--your rug, yes, well with that money you can buy any number of rugs that don't have sentimental value for me. And I am sorry about that crack on the jaw.
Jeffrey Lebowski
Oh that's that's fine. It doesn't even uh--
Maude Lebowski
Here's the name and number of a doctor who will look at it for you. You will receive no bill. He's a good man, and thorough.
Jeffrey Lebowski
Tha, tha, That's thoughtful but--
Maude Lebowski
Please see him, Jeffrey. He's a
Jeffrey Lebowski
Oh, uh...alright.