Characters in This Scene
Jeffrey Lebowski
Jeff Bridges
Walter Sobchak
John Goodman
Donny Kerabatsos
Steve Buscemi
Gary
Peter Siragusa
The Stranger
Sam Elliott
Maude Lebowski
Julianne Moore
I Need My Fucking Johnson Full Transcript
Jeffrey Lebowski
My only hope is that the big Lebowski kills me before the Germans can cut my dick off.
Walter Sobchak
Now that is just ridiculous, Dude. No one's going to cut your dick off.
Jeffrey Lebowski
Thank you Walter.
Walter Sobchak
Not if I have anything to say about it.
Jeffrey Lebowski
Thank you Walter. That makes me feel very secure.
Walter Sobchak
Dude--
Jeffrey Lebowski
That makes me feel warm inside.
Walter Sobchak
Now Dude--
Jeffrey Lebowski
This whole fucking thing--I could be sitting here with just pee-stains on my rug.
Walter Sobchak
Yeah.
Jeffrey Lebowski
But no man, I gotta--you know.
Walter Sobchak
Fucking Germans. Nothing changes. Fucking Nazis.
Donny Kerabatsos
They were Nazis, Dude?
Walter Sobchak
Come on, Donny, they were threatening castration!
Donny Kerabatsos
Uh-huh.
Walter Sobchak
Are we gonna split hairs here?
Donny Kerabatsos
No--
Walter Sobchak
Am I wrong?
Donny Kerabatsos
Well--
Jeffrey Lebowski
look man...
Walter Sobchak
Am I--
Jeffrey Lebowski
Man. They were nihilists, man.
Walter Sobchak
Huh?
Jeffrey Lebowski
They kept saying they believe in nothing.
Walter Sobchak
Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean say what you want about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.
Jeffrey Lebowski
Yeah.
Walter Sobchak
And let's also not forget -- let's not forget, Dude -- that keeping wildlife, uh, an amphibious rodent, for uh, you know, domestic, within the city -- that ain't legal either.
Jeffrey Lebowski
What're you, a fucking park ranger now?
Walter Sobchak
No, I'm just trying to uh--
Jeffrey Lebowski
Who gives a shit about the fucking marmot!
Walter Sobchak
--We're sympathizing here, Dude--
Jeffrey Lebowski
Fuck sympathy! I don't need your fucking sympathy, man,I need my fucking Johnson!
Donny Kerabatsos
What do you need that for, Dude?
Walter Sobchak
You gotta buck up, man, you cannot drag this negative energy into the tournament.
Jeffrey Lebowski
Fuck the tournament! Fuck you, Walter!
Walter Sobchak
Fuck the tournament?!
Walter Sobchak
Okay Dude. I can see you don't want to be cheered up here. Come on Donny, let's go get us a lane.
Jeffrey Lebowski
Another Caucasian, Gary.
Gary
Right, Dude.
Jeffrey Lebowski
Friends like these, huh Gary.
Gary
That's right, Dude.
The Stranger
Do ya got a good sarsaparilla?
Gary
Sioux City Sarsaparilla.
The Stranger
Yeah, that's a good one.
The Stranger
How ya doin' there, Dude?
Jeffrey Lebowski
Not to good, man.
The Stranger
One a those days, huh.
Jeffrey Lebowski
Yep.
The Stranger
Well, a wiser fellah than myself once said ,sometimes you eat the bar en...
The Stranger
... and sometimes the bar, well, he eats you.
Jeffrey Lebowski
Hmm. That some kind of Eastern thing?
The Stranger
Far from it.
The Stranger
I like your style, Dude.
Jeffrey Lebowski
Well I dig your style too, man. Got a whole cowboy thing goin'.
The Stranger
Thanks, there's just one thing, Dude.
Jeffrey Lebowski
What's that?
The Stranger
D'ya have to use so many cuss words?
Jeffrey Lebowski
What the fuck are you talking about?
The Stranger
Okay Dude, have it your way. Take 'her easy, Dude.
Jeffrey Lebowski
Yeah. Thanks man.
Gary
Call for ya Dude.
Jeffrey Lebowski
Hello.
Maude Lebowski
Jeffrey, you have not gone to the doctor.
Jeffrey Lebowski
Uh, oh yeah, no no, I haven't yet, Uh--
Maude Lebowski
I'd like to see you immediately.
Jeffrey Lebowski
Oh?