Characters in This Scene
Secretary Cleary
Christopher Walken
Sack Lodge
Bradley Cooper
Claire Cleary
Rachel McAdams
John Beckwith
Owen Wilson
Jeremy Grey
Vince Vaughn
Grandma Mary Cleary
Ellen Albertini Dow
Kathleen Cleary
Jane Seymour
Todd Cleary
Keir O'Donnell
Holy Shirts and Pants Full Transcript
Secretary Cleary
Perfect.
Old Guy
Let us bow our heads in prayer. Heavenly Father... Heavenly Father... we thank you for thy bounty on this table... and ask that you bless the entire Cleary family... and all the friends here assembled. Amen.
Everyone
Amen.
Secretary Cleary
Oh, these scallops look fantastic.
Sack Lodge
I bought them from an organic scallop farm right off the coast of Nattachoke.
Claire Cleary
Actually, Sack got the governor to subsidize part of the project.
Sack Lodge
And now it's the state's only self-sustaining scallop farm.
John Beckwith
Say that five times fast. You can't do it. Self-sustaining...
Jeremy Grey
They actually look terrific. Maybe I'll actually try some... when I get the sensation back in my face. From the football game.
Sack Lodge
Again, Jeremy, I'm sorry. You know, I have this damn competitive streak, um. I'm seeing a Buddhist about it.
Secretary Cleary
Not just any Buddhist. His Holiness, the Dalai Lama. He's a good friend.
Jeremy Grey
Stop traffic. Because when I go back to town... I'm actually gonna see an orthopedist about what you did to my back. Not just any orthopedist. I'm gonna see a Dr. Epstein who specializes in...
John Beckwith
Hey, Sack, how long have you and Claire been seeing each other?
Sack Lodge
Claire and I? What's it been, sweetheart? A couple years?
Claire Cleary
Three and a half. Yeah, actually, we started dating while we were doing Habitat for Humanity.
John Beckwith
Sure.
Sack Lodge
Pretty soon we'll be getting married. Yep.
Claire Cleary
Well, not too soon, um... We still have a lot of things that we want to accomplish.
Secretary Cleary
Anyway, once Claire and Sack tie the knot... two of the great American families, the Clearys and the Lodges will finally unite.
Sack Lodge
Hear, hear.
John Beckwith
And then, of course, you can challenge the Klingons for interstellar domination, right?
Secretary Cleary
Jeremy. I saw you on the dance floor. You move pretty good.
Jeremy Grey
Oh, thanks a lot. I really just got lucky. I was more in the zone than anything else. It was the booze dancing, heh, heh.
Sack Lodge
Sorry, guys, I forgot. How are you connected to the family again?
John Beckwith
Uncle Ned's kids.
Jeremy Grey
You know, Uncle Ned? Aunt Liz's brother. Ned and Liz.
Sack Lodge
Hm. No, I don't know.
Secretary Cleary
So, Jeremy... you and your brother are venture capitalists.
Jeremy Grey
That's right.
Secretary Cleary
That's great. Venture capitalist. The backbone of the system. It's the new pioneer.
Old Guy
New pioneer.
Claire Cleary
So is it just about the money?
John Beckwith
No, no, it's about... investing in companies that are ethically and morally defensible.
Sack Lodge
Oh Like what? Give me an example.
John Beckwith
Like what? Well, there's the company that we have where we're taking the fur or the wool from sheep and we turn it into thread for homeless people to sew. And then they make it into cloth, which they in turn sew then make little shirts and pants for other homeless people to sell. It's a pretty good deal.
Jeremy Grey
People helping people.
John Beckwith
Yeah.
Claire Cleary
That's very admirable.
John Beckwith
Thank you. Although don't make me out to be a saint just yet. We do turn a small profit. After all, someone has to pay for the lap dances for the big guy here.
Jeremy Grey
He's joking around. It feels so good when he jokes.
Sack Lodge
What's this company called?
Jeremy Grey
Holy sh...
John Beckwith
Shirts & Pants. Holy Shirts & Pants. It's a little corny and obvious but what do you get out of being subtle, right?
Secretary Cleary
Well, that's a hell of a good project. I'm gonna mention something to the commerce secretary.
John Beckwith
That would be terrific. That would be great, huh?
Jeremy Grey
Terrific, it was terrific.
Grandma Mary Cleary
Isn't my Willy doing a wonderful job there in Washington?
Secretary Cleary
Mommy.
Grandma Mary Cleary
You know, Willy's father, my husband... was the secretary of state for President Franklin Roosevelt.
John Beckwith
That must have been so thrilling. FDR. My gosh, FDR was a wonderful President.
Grandma Mary Cleary
He was a doll. The wife, though, Eleanor? Big dyke.
Claire Cleary
Oh, Lord.
Grandma Mary Cleary
Huge dyke. A real rug muncher. Looked like a big lesbian mule.
Claire Cleary
Grandma, you can't talk like that, okay? It's not right.
Kathleen Cleary
Somebody get me another Scotch for chrissakes.
Sack Lodge
I think I'm gonna go to bed.
Claire Cleary
Honey, are you okay?
Sack Lodge
Oh, yeah. You know, I'm just a little tired. Thanks.
Claire Cleary
Okay.
Secretary Cleary
You all right?
Sack Lodge
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
John Beckwith
What an athlete. A tremendous competitor.
Claire Cleary
I know.
Jeremy Grey
Todd, I noticed that you haven't even touched your food yet.
Todd Cleary
I don't eat meat or fish.
Grandma Mary Cleary
He's a homo.
Secretary Cleary
Mommy, let's not go there again.
Claire Cleary
Actually um , Todd is an amazing painter. He's going to the Rhode Island School of Design.
John Beckwith
Oh, that's a great school. Congratulations, Todd. That's really impressive. RISD.
Todd Cleary
Yeah, Dad used to think I'd be a political liability... you know, in case he ever ran for president.
Secretary Cleary
Now, Todd. Actually, truth be told... polling shows a majority of the American people would ultimately empathize with our situation.
Todd Cleary
What is our situation, Dad?
Grandma Mary Cleary
You're a homo.
Kathleen Cleary
Oh, for God sakes, William, put Mommy to bed already.
Secretary Cleary
Okay. Mommy, we've had a long day.
Grandma Mary Cleary
I can do it myself, asshole.
Jeremy Grey
Wow
Todd Cleary
I'll be in my room painting. Homo things.
Kathleen Cleary
You just go right ahead, Toddy.
Woman
Mmm. Wonderful scallops.
Secretary Cleary
Absolutely. Wonderful.
Claire Cleary
You know um, I think I'm gonna get some air.
John Beckwith
Oh, I'll get some air if you want some company.
Claire Cleary
Sure.
John Beckwith
Let me just change my shoes. Excuse me.
Jeremy Grey
All right. I'm gonna... Can't walk away from the delicious food that we got here.