Characters in This Scene
Jeremy Grey
Vince Vaughn
John Beckwith
Owen Wilson
Claire Cleary
Rachel McAdams
Kathleen Cleary
Jane Seymour
Kid
Gloria Cleary
Isla Fisher
Secretary Cleary
Christopher Walken
Todd Cleary
Keir O'Donnell
Death You Are My Bitch Lover Full Transcript
Jeremy Grey
Sorry, just a sampler. Told you this would be classy, right?
John Beckwith
Yes, you did. Class, first class all the way. You were not lying.
Jeremy Grey
Class, class, class. They've got some kind of seasoning on here. It must be sprinkled.
John Beckwith
Okay, go get us seats near, but not too near, the bridal party. I'm gonna go drop this box of fresh Wyoming air.
Jeremy Grey
If you see crab cakes, get some because I love them.
John Beckwith
Consider it done. Fondue set.
Claire Cleary
Excuse me?
John Beckwith
The present you're holding is a sterling-silver fondue set. John Ryan.
Claire Cleary
Claire Cleary. Uh, so how do you know that?
John Beckwith
Well, I'm a psychic.
Claire Cleary
You're psychic?
John Beckwith
I am.
Claire Cleary
Really?
John Beckwith
Yes.
Claire Cleary
What's that one?
John Beckwith
Knife set. German. Very nice.
Claire Cleary
Hm. And that?
John Beckwith
Cotton linens, Egyptian.
Claire Cleary
Ooh. What about that?
John Beckwith
Oh, I'll go all day. Place settings, candlesticks, crystal stemware... which they'll probably never use because it's crystal stemware.
Claire Cleary
Okay, how about that?
John Beckwith
This? Uh... Massage oils and a book on tantra, probably from the wacky aunt.
Claire Cleary
Let's check.
John Beckwith
Who's it from?
Claire Cleary
Aunt Millie.
John Beckwith
Yes!
Claire Cleary
Well, you have a gift.
John Beckwith
I know. Unfortunately my powers only apply to useless consumer products.
Claire Cleary
Well, if the police are missing a Belgian waffle maker, you could give them a hand.
Kathleen Cleary
Claire, we need you for pictures.
Claire Cleary
Oh, okay.
Kathleen Cleary
Who's your friend?
Claire Cleary
This is John Ryan.
John Beckwith
Hello.
Claire Cleary
Excuse us.
Jeremy Grey
I might just have one more of the samplers here. Good.
John Beckwith
What have we got?
Jeremy Grey
Come back with some more stuff. That's good, though. These bacon-wrapped scallops, phenomenal. Really hit the spot. Unbelievable.
John Beckwith
Oh, shit. Isn't that the girl you hooked up with at the Andersons' wedding?
Jeremy Grey
Oh, Jesus, I'm smoked.
John Beckwith
No, no, don't panic. We're gonna do number 10 from the playbook. Here she comes.
Some Girl
Shlomo? I thought you were renouncing all your possessions and moving to Nepal. Shlomo, don't you remember me?
John Beckwith
Oh, my God, you didn't hear. I'm so sorry. Shlomo had a scuba-diving accident. Yeah, he came up too fast and the oxygen deprivation... Poor guy. He doesn't remember anyone, even me, his own brother. I'm just some nice guy who helps him out.
Some Girl
You poor thing.
John Beckwith
He can't hear anything either. It's part of the accident. So are you here for the Clearys' wedding?
Some Girl
Oh, yes. Yes, but I have to leave. I've got a flight to Madrid.
John Beckwith
Oh, you have to leave?
Some Girl
Yes.
John Beckwith
Oh, okay.
Some Girl
I could hang out for a few minutes.
John Beckwith
Oh, actually that won't be necessary. Shlomo would like me to take him to the bathroom, then get him some crab cakes. So, yeah, no, that's not... Okay, okay. Okay, I'll take you to get crab cakes first, then I'll take you to the bathroom.
Some Girl
You know what? Here's my number. If there is anything I can do to help...
John Beckwith
Okay. Okay, have a safe flight. Don't worry about us. We're gonna be fine, we're gonna make it.
Some Girl
Okay.
John Beckwith
Doctor.
Jeremy Grey
She looked good. I might give her a shout.
John Beckwith
How are you gonna call her? She thinks you're deaf.
Jeremy Grey
Everyone wants to be part of a miracle. I turned the corner, she's a part of it. People helping people. It's powerful stuff.
John Beckwith
God, you're a sick man. You also may be a genius. Okay, so, what angle are we gonna play here?
Jeremy Grey
I'm gonna go with the balloon-animal display for the kids... and then when she comes to check it out, guess who's a broken man. Haunted past.
John Beckwith
Haunted past. Excellent.
Jeremy Grey
How about you?
John Beckwith
I'll dance with the flower girl. Or be a charter member of Oprah's Book Club.
Jeremy Grey
It's all deadly.
John Beckwith
Yes.
Jeremy Grey
I'll see you in a little. Final touch. There it is. One happy elephant. All right. Who else wants something?
Kid
I want a bicycle.
Jeremy Grey
A bicycle? Well, a bicycle, that would take a lot of balloons and Uncle Jeremy's a little tired right now... so why don't we do something like, let's say, a giraffe?
Kid
I just want a bicycle!
Jeremy Grey
Why are you yelling at me?
Kid
Whatever. Make me a bicycle, clown.
Jeremy Grey
I'm gonna make you a bicycle. But I don't want to make you a bicycle.
Kid
Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it.
John Beckwith
You got it. There you go. Yeah, you got it.
Kathleen Cleary
Let's see how you do with somebody your own age.
John Beckwith
I think I'm up to the challenge. All right, will you save me a dance for later?
Cute Kid
Maybe.
John Beckwith
Ha, ha. Okay.
Jeremy Grey
Go on, take it, you hyena. Don't say thank you.
Gloria Cleary
Hi. You're good.
Jeremy Grey
That thing? I'm just warming up. Last week I did a... exact replica to scale of Wrigley Field. Honest to God. I don't have anywhere to put it.
Gloria Cleary
Okay, then I'll take a sports car.
Jeremy Grey
How about a dance?
Gloria Cleary
That's what I really wanted.
John Beckwith
So how long have you and the secretary been married?
Kathleen Cleary
Thirty years next April.
John Beckwith
Oh, that's beautiful.
Kathleen Cleary
Yeah, and we were faithful for two of them.
John Beckwith
Hm?
Kathleen Cleary
Enjoy the party.
Unknown Guy
Congratulations, Mr. Secretary.
Secretary Cleary
Thanks.
John Beckwith
Secretary Cleary, John Ryan.
Secretary Cleary
Hi, John.
John Beckwith
I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your position paper on economic expansion in Micronesia.
Secretary Cleary
You've read my position paper?
John Beckwith
I read it while I was sailing my boat to Bermuda.
Secretary Cleary
A sailor? Good man, take a seat.
John Beckwith
Oh, thanks.
Secretary Cleary
You didn't happen to catch my speech... on the Paraguayan debt and money supply issue, did you?
John Beckwith
Are you kidding me? I thought it was great. Your argument for the inverse ratio of capitalization to debt was genius. Now, if we can just get Congress not to be so shortsighted.
Secretary Cleary
Yes. Well put. "Shortsighted. " John, what do you say you and I head out to the deck and light up a couple of cigars?
John Beckwith
Stogies?
Secretary Cleary
Yeah.
John Beckwith
Why not?
Jeremy Grey
It's just that we lost a lot of really good men out there. I'm sorry. Gloria, I think I gotta go get some fresh air. Thank you so much for the dance and it was wonderful to meet you. I wish I were stronger.
Gloria Cleary
Jeremy! Jeremy, wait up!
Secretary Cleary
John, you seem like an astute man.
John Beckwith
Thank you.
Secretary Cleary
Maybe you can help explain something to me. See that young man out there on the dock?
John Beckwith
Sure.
Secretary Cleary
That's my son, Todd. Twenty-two years old, the whole world in front of him. Every advantage in life, advantages I never had. Well, that's not exactly true. He had the same advantages I had, which is a hell of a lot of advantages. So here's my question: What's he got to be so morose about?
John Beckwith
Maybe he hasn't found something to believe in.
Secretary Cleary
Oh, he says he believes in art. But all I've seen him do... is dribble his own blood on a canvas and smear it around with a stick.
John Beckwith
You know, some people call that art.
Secretary Cleary
It's crap. What about having a public service, an obligation to our fellow man?
John Beckwith
Well, maybe he's... Maybe he's just trying to find his own way, his own path. I mean, you cast a pretty big shadow.
Secretary Cleary
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, perhaps... I should take it easier on him.
John Beckwith
Perhaps.
Todd Cleary
Death, you are my bitch lover!
Secretary Cleary
Todd, that's good! Tell that mean ocean! Oh, see that?
John Beckwith
It's a start.