Characters in This Scene
Jeremy Grey
Vince Vaughn
Kathleen Cleary
Jane Seymour
John Beckwith
Owen Wilson
Gloria Cleary
Isla Fisher
Claire Cleary
Rachel McAdams
Christina Cleary
Jenny Alden
I'm a Cocksman Full Transcript
Jeremy Grey
Wow
Kathleen Cleary
Mr. Senator.
Senator
Congratulations, Kathleen.
Kathleen Cleary
Thank you.
Senator
Bill, congratulations.
Bill
Thank you, senator.
Some Guy
Secretary, they just grow up so damn fast.
Bill
That's the truth, yeah.
Jeremy Grey
Okay. Let's do our pregame.
John Beckwith
What do you got?
Jeremy Grey
Few articles on Secretary Cleary's economic policies. There's also a roster of key family members, a glossary, sailing terms.
John Beckwith
Sailing?
Jeremy Grey
Sailing's like sex to these people. They love it.
John Beckwith
Harvard, Kennedy School of Government. Mom's big with charities, blah, blah, blah. Three daughters, one son. I get it. Good work.
Jeremy Grey
Good.
John Beckwith
Let me see that again, please.
Jeremy Grey
Okay, what's our back-story?
John Beckwith
We're brothers from New Hampshire, we're venture capitalists.
Jeremy Grey
I'm sick of that. Let's be from Vermont, and let's have an emerging maple-syrup conglomerate.
John Beckwith
Wait, that's stupid. We don't know anything about maple syrup.
Jeremy Grey
I know everything there is to know about maple syrup. I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes. I love it on pizza. I put a little bit in my hair... when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?
John Beckwith
The first quarter of the big game and you wanna toss up a Hail Mary. I'd like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it's not Halloween. Grow up, Peter Pan. Count Chocula. Look, we've been to a million weddings. And guess what. We've rocked them all.
Jeremy Grey
Great day.
John Beckwith
The Eagle has landed.
Jeremy Grey
The big show. Hey, hey. Fifth row back with the fancy hat. I like that.
John Beckwith
No, don't waste your time on girls with hats, they tend to be very proper.
Jeremy Grey
Yeah? The proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.
John Beckwith
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't think the priest heard you.
Jeremy Grey
Look, John, I'm sorry I'm not sorry, okay? I'm not gonna apologize. I'm a cocksman.
John Beckwith
Tourette's.
Frank
Frank Myers.
John Beckwith
John Ryan. Say hello to my brother, Jeremy.
Jeremy Grey
Hi.
Frank
How are you? So, um, how do you know the groom?
John Beckwith
We are Uncle Ned's kids.
Frank
Uncle Ned. Is he Liz's brother?
John Beckwith
Uncle Ned, the brother of Aunt Liz.
Frank
How is everybody?
John Beckwith
Well, Dad kind of putters around the house. Aunt Liz sends her best. She couldn't make it.
Frank
Yeah, I know. She's dead.
Jeremy Grey
From the grave. She sends her best from the grave. We've become extremely spiritual... ever since she passed.
Frank
I see.
Jeremy Grey
But thank you so much for your kindness, brother. Lord knows we need family now more than ever.
Frank
Well, you're welcome.
Jeremy Grey
Thank you. How many times are you gonna do this shit? Rule number 32: You don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely positive that they have a pulse.
John Beckwith
Rule 16: Give me an up-to-date family tree. That was your mistake. You made me look like an idiot.
Jeremy Grey
Rule number 76: No excuses, play like a champion. Hello, Red. Dibs.
John Beckwith
She's all yours. I ain't gonna fight you. I think we've got a crier.
Jeremy Grey
No shot.
John Beckwith
Twenty bucks.
Jeremy Grey
Make it 40.
John Beckwith
Done.
Jeremy Grey
Oh, are you kidding me?
John Beckwith
It's beautiful. It's moving. It's a wedding.
Priest
And now for our next reading, I'd like to ask the bride's sister Gloria up to the lectern.
John Beckwith
Twenty bucks, 1 Corinthians.
Jeremy Grey
Double or nothing, Colossians 3: 12.
Gloria Cleary
And now a reading from Paul's First Letter to the Corinthians. "Love is patient, love is kind..."
Priest
As you all know, Craig and Christina are quite the sailing enthusiasts. In that light, they have elected to exchange vows which they themselves have written.
Craig
The ring. I, Craig... take you, Christina, to be my wife... my best friend and my first mate. Through sickness and health, clear skies and squalls.
Claire Cleary
I'm sorry, I have a tickle in my throat.
Christina Cleary
I, Christina, take you, Craig to be my best friend and my captain to be your anchor and your sail
Jeremy Grey
Well, this is a first.
Christina Cleary
...your starboard and your port.
Priest
And now I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the first mate.